As I write this, we are mourning the deaths of George Floyd, killed by a white police officer while saying, now familiarly, “I can’t breathe” and Regis Korchinski-Paquet who fell from a 24th floor balcony while police were present. Details are still being investigated. There is also the story of Christian Cooper, who was birdwatching in Central Park and, upon asking a white woman to leash her dog, was threatened; she called 911 to report being harassed by “an African American man.”
Now there are demonstrations, increased threats of violence, and credible reports of white supremacist groups attempting to fan the flames of violence and hate. Very scary times.
All of this is only a week or so after the Jewish media and community wrestled with some of our own racism.
Articles in eJewishPhilanthropy and the Forward spread hurt and misinformation by downplaying statistics (and, by implication, the importance) of Jews of colour.
I don’t want to share those pieces but I do want to amplify the voices of Jews of colour on that issue. Check out this one by Yoshi Silverstein:
https://ejewishphilanthropy.com/jews-of-color-deserve-teshuva/ and this one by Tema Smith: https://forward.com/opinion/446872/jews-of-color-deserve-an-accurate-count/
In response to the population discussion, and now again in response to police brutality and murder, I find myself arguing with and trying to educate people about how and why the Jewish community needs to stand up against this.
If you are outraged by the fact that no one cared when it was Jews being slaughtered in the streets...
If you are saddened by our legacy of exile, discrimination, hate...
If you are moved by teachings about justice and repairing the world in Judaism...
You should be doing something now.
I know, it is overwhelming, what is there to do? For white Jews, we have a responsibility to stand up and speak out now. For Jews of colour, it is not my place to say how you should respond. Take care of yourself the way you need to now. It is up to me and other people with racial privilege and power to do this work.
Here are some ideas for action:
1) Read the voices of people of colour and talk about their ideas with those in your circle. I suggest Between the World and Me by Ta-Nehisi Coates, Me and White Supremacy by Layla F Saad, and White Fragility by Robin DiAngelo if you don’t know where to start.
2) Watch this video about Jews and white privilege (I recorded this for Oraynu a few years ago when we were snowed out of an event): https://www.facebook.com/Oraynu/videos/1591282274287729/
3) Support organizations like Black Lives Matter, the Southern Poverty Law Center, the ACLU/CCLA, and any other, especially if it is an organization run by Black/Indigenous folks doing anti-racist work
4) Have those hard conversations. Don’t submit to “white silence.” Call out racism and keep holding your loved ones to account. We can all do better.
5) Amplify and share the words of people of colour through your social media, book clubs, publications, letters to the editor, anywhere. We each have a small but importance sphere of influence. Let’s use it.
My heart is broken. There is just so much pain in the world right now. I believe Judaism is a path to spiritual wellness, and those who are well are less likely to hurt others, so connect with text, community, ritual, practice, rest on Shabbat, joy on holidays, and the rest of it, all while making sure we don’t lose sight of the ultimate goal: Judaism is here to enrich our lives with a view to making us instruments of justice. Let’s get loud.
It’s hard. Do it anyway.
Do you ever notice that it's rare that we actually feel like doing things that we know are good for us? Some days I'm just itching to go for that run but more often than not I have to make myself do it, even though I know I'll feel great after! Same with cooking healthy meals.... ordering in is just so appealing after a long day. And same with study, with the discipline of playing an instrument or meditating, almost anything that actually adds meaning and depth to life is less preferable in any given moment to watching a movie with one's feet up.
Jewish practice is sort of like that too. Some people crave study and discussion about Torah and Talmud, following rules around eating or using devices on Shabbat, but most people, and especially secular Jews, tend to bristle at the thought that someone else is telling them what to do. Most of us think we don't like rules.
But there is a lot of research that tells us that following rules actually makes us happier. If we spend all our time doing "whatever we want" (and whatever we want is usually watching trash and eating junk), we actually don't feel that great.
This month I'm working on finding a balance between the things I want to do (watch reality TV while texting with my girlfriends) and things I will want to have done (reading good literature and meditating regularly). We are in a stressful time and I think allowing for some indulging makes sense. But I don't want to slide into full Bacchanalian mode either.
Are there Jewish things that you might not completely want to do but might, later on, wish you had done? Can you list a few right now and commit to getting started with one small step?
I thought I would hate baking challah but forced myself to do it (thanks Chef Michelle, a congregant, for the yeast!) and it turns out I love it! I never particularly feel like studying Talmud but I like the intellectual engagement and insight into early rabbis when I do. If that's you then I invite you to download the recipe, or join a Talmud study group online, or buy that set of candlesticks, or order that book you've been wanting to read.
This month, let's find the balance between what we want to do and what we want to have done. Sometimes it feels hard to get going but it's almost always worth it once we do.
PS If you really want to make progress on some goals then it helps to have accountability. I always offer to be an accountabilibuddy for Secular Synagogue members, and you also get a whole team behind you to cheer you on! Every time someone says they want to do/achieve something, others jump on it. Torah/Talmud study! Mussar (character development)! Mitzvahs! Books to read! You get to do it with others and it makes it much more doable and fun. We are accepting new members just until Friday. Don’t miss out!
Join us! Click right here to learn more and sign up!
I made that challah! With my hands! By myself! I’ve never felt so accomplished!
Unplug
It’s almost Mar 6-7 which is the Jewish organization Reboot’s “National Day of Unplugging.” You can download the pledge, access resource material, and even get some swag here: https://www.nationaldayofunplugging.com/
The goal is to use Shabbat to remind ourselves that we can be the masters of our technology and not the other way around. Writer and filmmaker Tiffany Shlain wrote a book about how she did the day of unplugging once and now has a weekly screen-free Shabbat that, although she is pretty secular, she is religious about! https://www.simonandschuster.com/books/24-6/Tiffany-Shlain/9781982116866
I do this challenge every year and I really like it. One year I went to a yurt! Another year I was in the Caribbean! This year I will be at home and parenting alone. Will it be a challenge to avoid giving into the call of the Paw Patrol? It will. Will it be worth it? Almost certainly!
A friend just read another book on cutting down the use of tech: https://www.calnewport.com/books/digital-minimalism/ and said it has changed her life. She started playing violin! She is taking Italian language lessons! She has read many, many books whereas before she felt she didn’t have time. And she said her anxiety has decreased substantially.
Do you run your tech or does your tech run you? What could you free up if you spent a little less time with your device? More time with people you care about? More projects? More fun?
One of the Secular Synagogue members has been encouraging us all to get mindful about tech. He led a great workshop on it and out of that I created some rules for myself:
- No phones at the table, when I’m with friends, when I’m with my kids
- No screens the first or last 30 minutes of my day
- All app notifications off
- My phone is always set to silent
- No sleeping near my phone
Does it strike you as ironic or strange that my online community is spending a lot of time/energy thinking about going screen-free? Part of why I started Secular Synagogue is because I wanted my feed to be full of things that were actually inspiring and GOOD for me to see. I know social media can be the worst of the worst but it can also bring people together. The key is to take what you need and leave the rest. To be mindful and purposeful about usage. So, I say, use the screens for what you enjoy and then put them away. Especially on March 6-7.
I don’t always get it all perfect but I’ve been doing pretty well. How about you? What are your tech rules? And can you go a full 24 hours? Let me know!
How to avoid a lot of stupid bullshit this holiday season
I love the holidays! I really do! I realize the title of this blog post is a little Scroogey. So, for the record, I love the smell of latkes frying and pine trees in groves and homes. I love twinkling lights and menorah lights. I love all of it. But, let’s be real, there’s a lot of stupid bullshit this time of year. Some of the bullshit is out of our control. People will complain about the “war on Christmas.” Some member of the extended family will say something racist. Kids are going to be overtired and oversugared and behave like demons. There’s gonna be some bullshit. But some of the bullshit is under our control and we can do our very best to make our holiday bashes BS-free. So, here is your Secular Synagogue Guide to BS avoidance.
First, let’s separate BS into categories: people, places, and things. Some of these are inter-related but for the purposes of detecting and demolishing bullshit it’s helpful to create a sorting system.
People: Can you avoid the really harmful or toxic people? Does your awful Great Uncle really deserve the pity invite this year? If so, can you extend the pity invite along with some strict ground rules? Can you avoid the obligation-party filled with people you really don’t want to see and shmooze with? Maybe you can get “cough cough” oh so sick that day and then post a sad-looking selfie of you in PJs watching Netflix to prove how very “cough cough” sick you really are. Can you host or attend some events filled with people you really want to see? A “Friendsgiving” type of thing. Every year my friends get together for our very own Chrismukkah and it’s my fave. There’s family and there’s chosen family and you get to decide where you put your time and energy.
Places: Tied in with avoiding the people you don’t want to see is avoiding the places you really don’t want to go. Know where I definitely won’t be between now and February? A mall of any kind. Nope. Not going there. I am spending my money this holiday season supporting local businesses as much as possible (see below) and, when needed, doing some online shopping. I hate the crowds and panic of malls this time of year and I just don’t have to go there. Neither do you. I also don’t want to go to any of the following: photo sessions (Santa-related or otherwise), parades, or public large-scale events. Here’s where I do want to go: the good parties, outdoor skating rinks, my congregation’s events, and Mexico. This year I’m going to Mexico between Christmas and New Years (which is also most of Chanukah). Later, suckas! Just kidding. But you really do get to decide where you want to be.
Things: The very most holiday bullshit comes in the form of stuff. Oh, so much stuff. Y’all, we are drowning in stuff. I’m not talking about people in need here and, if that’s you, I hope you get a lot of great stuff this holiday season that really makes a difference for you. For many of us, though, we don’t really need more stuff. And, yet, this is a stuff-filled time of year. There are financial, ecological, and mental costs to this. Seriously, I think it’s bad for us mentally to feel too crowded by and too attached to things. So here are some ideas I’m using this year and also forever.
Upcycling: I’m attending swaps and getting used stuff when possible
Doing donations in lieu of presents. It feels so good to support agencies and causes I care about. Way better than more stuff!
Asking for experiences over things: art gallery/ museum memberships, tickets to concerts/ plays/ ballet/ opera, restaurant gift certificates, art/ cooking classes
Supporting local business. Local for me isn’t necessarily local for you but one local business close to my heart is Firefly Creative Writing, and they have monthly subscription packages by mail (anywhere in the world!) with writer prompts and writer self-care. A seriously great gift!
Speaking of subscriptions, I want to tell you the cutest gift-giving story ever. When I launched Secular Synagogue a woman (not Jewish, let’s call her C) got her partner (Jewish, let’s call him J) a membership as a gift. He loved it and knew that C would love it too! J knew that even though C isn’t Jewish, so much of what we talk about would resonate with her. So for Christmas he decided to get her a membership. But then, uh oh!, C got herself a membership. Hearing so much great stuff about the group, she wanted in herself. Christmas present ruined! So I happily refunded her membership, let J buy it as a present, and all was well in their Chrismukkah-loving house. The moral of the story? If you want to avoid bullshit people and places and things this season, you can join our community which is filled with the best people, which you connect to from the best place (your place), and which will not add one tiny bit of stuff to your house. I think a membership to a cool online Jewish community makes a completely amazing gift. Doors open Friday!
However you spend your holidays, I hope they are as bullshit-free as possible. Take good care of yourselves and take good care of your people. That’s the only thing that really matters this time of year!
Art by my kid. The best gift ever!
Fall… in love
As usual, fall is a tremendously busy and full time! We had alllll the holidays. For those of us involved with school as teachers and parents, we settled into a new year. For me, I always find fall is my final push to get everything done before the winter hits — social activities, arts experiences, getting outside as much as possible. Check, check, checkity, check, check. Shabbat and Sukkot. And now that it’s cold and snowy, and the trees are bare, and the days are short, and we are in the Hebrew month of Cheshvan which has no Jewish holidays in it, I think it’s time for us to focus on closing out what is still technically fall. I want you, at the end of this season, to fall... in love.
Because September and October are really full months the energy and pace can feel like a lot of push push push and go go go. And now we move a bit more into hibernation mode. We hunker down. And maybe we spend a little bit more time with our families. Maybe we spend a little bit more time alone. Whomever you are with when you are hanging out at home on these colder, darker days, I hope you tap into some real feelings of love.
I love the chilled-out times at home. With my family we might have a movie night (we have a carpet picnic, usually with pizza, and something animated). We might bake something. We might do art together. We might work on a puzzle or read a bunch of books. And then I find that after the kids go to bed, I want to do the exact same things alone! I curl up with a movie and snacks, I light some candles and do some writing, I try to get into a “flow state” with an activity like a puzzle. I read. The quieter times are times when we can really focus on the cozy, snuggly, warming feelings of love. And — truly — the person we need to most fall in love with, or fall back in love with, is ourself.
This month I’m working on developing a consistent meditation practice. I am not good at sitting still. I think I need to do more of it. Sometimes the meditation focuses outwards — thinking about extending loving kindness (in Hebrew, “chesed”) out. And sometimes it focuses inwards. I want to make sure when I sit still with myself, I love the one I’m with. At the end of fall, I’m working on falling back in love with me, and truly feeling my love for the people I love. Sending love to all of you too! Happy end of fall!
Happy Rosh Hashanah!
We are here! 5780! I hope you are feeling the themes of the holiday: rebirth and renewal. I hope you are also feeling a little bit of responsibility — to make your life better, to make the world better. This is just the beginning of the period known as the “Days of Awe.” I want you to think of them as the Days of Awesome! Say sorry. Forgive. Look inward — what can you let go of? Who do you want to be this year? Look outward — what can you do to contribute? How can you be a changemaker this year?
Last week many folks from both Oraynu and SecularSynagogue.com came out to the march for climate justice! What an awe-inspiring day! We stood together with thousands and thousands of people around the world to demand a better world.
It’s fitting for this time of year. We need a better world. Each new year is an opportunity to consider how we will make it so.
I am spending today in the forest, doing tashlich. Tashlich is the practice of casting away. People tend to think of it as throwing away your “sins,” and that’s fine. But I prefer to translate (and this is kosher) “sin” as “missing the mark.” Where did you miss the mark last year? Cast it away; let it go. And make sure this year we get a little closer to that mark.
You can look up readings (I use Marge Piercy or Marcia Falk poems) and other things to say and do but the most important is to get outside (with friends/family if possible), take a walk, and talk the talk about what you want to let go of and bring forward into the new year. Then you throw your sticks and rocks and leaves (note: breadcrumbs are traditional but not so good ecologically). Watch them float away. Ahhh... Rebirth. Renewal. Responsibility.
You got this.
Can’t wait to be with you through this year as we take our intentions from today and the Days of Awesome and make them so.
Have a happy, healthy, sweet, and beautiful year!
Till next week,
Denise
Forgiveness: It’s Complicated
We are now in the final lead up to the High Holidays. Jews around the world are getting ready for difficult conversations with friends or family, preparing to apologize for wrong-doing and preparing to forgive others. Some Jews are participating in services called selichot — where prayers of repentance are recited. Selichot means forgiveness, although when people speaking Hebrew apologize they often say “slicha” which means something like “pardon me.” Asking for and granting forgiveness are good and healthy acts. We ask people to forgive us all the time... when we step on toes (literally or figuratively), when we cause pain (intentionally or unintentionally), when we do something wrong. We also forgive people all the time. Often when someone says “sorry” the reply is “it’s ok.” And sometimes it really is ok.
But sometimes behaviour is really not ok, and that’s what I want to speak about today.
I was asked recently how to approach the upcoming High Holiday period, with its focus on forgiveness, if someone does not speak to their family because it is unsafe to do so. For some people, their family is unsafe emotionally. For some, they are unsafe physically. Sometimes it’s both. If someone has decided that they simply cannot have contact with a family member or, with or without that contact they simply can’t forgive past wrongs/behaviour, they probably have a damn good reason (what I write here can apply to relationships that aren’t familial too — partners/ex-partners, friends, co-workers, etc).
We live in a culture that is obsessed with forgiveness. We get told that to hold a grudge only harms ourselves and not the person who did wrong. We get told that to forgive will make us feel good, or whole. We get told that life is too short to hold onto hurt. Those ideas may all be true in some circumstances but they can also put a whole lot of pressure on someone who has been hurt, abused, mistreated, or harmed. Sometimes it’s ok not to forgive. Sometimes it’s healthy. We are not responsible for the hurt others cause us.
I do suggest finding ways to process past harm. Therapy, writing a letter to someone who has harmed you (whether you send it or not), self-care, working to undo painful/harmful messages we’ve internalized, all of that is useful. We don’t have to stay in the place of being hurt/harmed. But we also don’t have to include forgiveness in the package of how we prepare to move on. If someone has done something unforgivable, it’s not on you to forgive it. It’s on you to figure out how you want to move forward, with or without that person in your life.
We sometimes hear stories about people who offered forgiveness in unimaginable circumstances. If that helped the person who was wronged, then the act of forgiveness is worth celebrating. Sometimes we really do need to forgive in order to move on. Equally, sometimes we need to let go of the pressure to forgive in order to move on.
I don’t think this time of year is just for apology and forgiveness. It’s for figuring out what we need, who we want to be, and who we want with us on the journey. It’s a time for considering what we owe others in terms of apology/restitution, and what we owe ourselves in terms of healing from the past. I think of the High Holidays as a time to decide what we are letting go of from the past year(s), what we wish to carry forward, and what we wish to start doing/being. Forgiveness is one part of that package and process. So is self-love. Often the person we have to forgive the most is ourselves. So, if you are struggling with any sense of guilt over being unable to forgive someone, I suggest that be one of the things you let go of. Be kind to yourself, especially if others have not been.
We are not responsible for the behaviour of others. We are responsible for ourselves. No one is owed your forgiveness. You owe yourself all the tools you can find to be well and happy this coming year.
Till next week,
Denise
It’s a really really good month to have a good month
I was so lucky to be part of the last cohort of Rabbis Without Borders. Oraynu, my Toronto congregation, supported me in attending three retreats where I met rabbinic colleagues across all movements/denominations, learned about leadership, and got to educate others about the Humanistic Jewish approach.
You may have seen on social media that I befriended a really cool Orthodox rabbi named Isaiah. For a while he and I were chevruta (study buddies). We come from pretty different Jewish worlds and yet forged a real friendship and connection, each learning from the other and delighting in the common ground that united us.
Isaiah taught me a lot, but one of the most important things was a song to welcome the new month. It goes: “It’s a really really good month to have a good month, Chodesh tov, Have a good Month.” Repeat. Every month it gets in my head as the Jewish lunar calendar flips to a new month. I’m writing this on the first day of the new month (you see it a few days later), and so I want to share the song with you and wish you a really really good month: https://www.denisehandlarski.com/video
The song, like lots in Jewish text and culture, is deceptively simple. If it’s a really, really good month to have a good month, then it’s always a good time to have a good time. And, really, time is our most precious resource while we get to hang out on this wacky and wonderful planet.
I love that in Jewish practice we welcome the new month. It’s like a mini Rosh Hashanah (Jewish new year). We get to check in, see how we are doing with our goals of who we want to be and what we want to do And, as the song reminds us, we can decide to have a good month.
Yes, the world is rife with problems. Yes, lots of us have personal struggles. Yes, there is tragedy everywhere we look. But, there is also beauty. There are also people working on the problems. And we also have a voice and a choice to decide that every month, every day, we are going to be and do our best. It’s a really really good month to have a good month!
This month my theme is social responsibility. I am choosing a few companies that I support and asking them to do a little better. The first is writing to some coffee places I frequent (looking at you, Starbucks), and asking them to make reusable ceramic mugs the default and charging a little bit for disposable ones. How often do you see people sitting in coffee shops drinking out of throw-away cups? Why?! One of my own personal goals is to never use disposable coffee cups. I lug a mug or I sit in the place and drink my drink. Sometimes I end up downing a double espresso really fast when on the run. That’s one less cup in landfill; one less bit of waxy paper/plastic in the world that will outlast me and all of us (no, those cups are not recyclable and no, most of the compostable ones never really get to compost). Want to join me? If you write to a coffee shop or another company of your choosing and ask them to do a little better, I’ll send you a virtual high five and a shout out on my social media page.
It’s a really really good month to have a good month - and make the world a little better while we’re at it.
Children in Concentration Camps
This past week there was some tension in the Jewish community over whether it is appropriate to call U.S. detention centers housing migrants “concentration camps.” There were also horrific news articles about how children are being denied basics like toothbrushes, made to sleep on cold floors, and must represent themselves in court. We are talking about little children - the youngest of which is four months old.
I am ashamed that some in the Jewish community seem more outraged by the use of a term they feel belongs uniquely to the Jewish experience, than about innocent children being taken from their parents and tortured in these ways.
What is a concentration camp? It is a small area in which innocent people are held without due process based on their ethnicity or country of origin. We have to use this term to describe what is happening because there has been too much complacency so far. Let’s start calling things what they are. Concentration camps. Torture. There are going to be round ups of migrants. The repetition of history is happening as we are watching.
I serve many community members who are not in the U.S. But do we as Jews not hold countries besides Germany and Poland accountable for allowing the Holocaust to happen? Do we not wish there had been an international effort to stop it? We need to be that effort. “Never again” is right now.
Here’s what I have done and I encourage you to join me:
- I wrote to my MP, to MP Freeland (who handles foreign affairs and diplomacy), and our Prime Minister asking them to use any possible diplomatic channels to ask for this to end. At the very least, these migrants — children! — deserve basic care and legal representation.
- I have financially supported RAICES, the ACLU, and the Southern Poverty Law Center — all doing good work on the ground.
- I posted about this issue on my professional and personal social media, sounding the alarm and saying that as a Jew I am deeply concerned about where concentration camps and round ups are heading. I want everyone to act.
- I sent a message to my rabbinic colleagues in the Humanistic Jewish movement saying that after our summer meetings in Chicago (already booked), I will no longer travel to the United States. No more vacations or work travel there until this ends. It is time to vote with our dollars and our feet. I will not spend one more dollar in that country while children are being tortured.
It feels like it is not enough but it is a start. Who’s with me? If you can’t do all of these things, what can you do? Let’s show the world that when Jews say “Never Again” we mean for all people.
Denise
You are what you eat
During Passover many Jews avoid certain foods, most notably bread and anything that is leavened. We do this to remind ourselves of the Israelites who, the story goes, fled Egypt so fast their bread didn't have time to rise. Matzah, the resulting cracker-like bread, is the "bread of affiction." But Passover is a joyful holiday, unlike Yom Kippur when many Jews "afflict their souls" by fasting, Passover is not about deprivation. We avoid certain foods because in doing so we internalize the meaning of the holiday, literally and figuratively taking the story in.
Passover is all about freedom. This past weekend we marked not only the start of Passover, with the ritual and goings-on of the seder, but also Earth Day, with the rituals of park clean ups and letter writing campaigns. The two holidays work really nicely together: both happen in and are meant to mark springtime, both are about making the world better, both involve an element of resistance.
Just as the Israelites should not have had to fight so hard for Pharoah to let them go, we should not have to fight so hard for climate justice. But we do. Our current Pharoahs are political and business leaders who are not doing enough to reverse climate change. This should not be a partisan issue; we have but one world (no Planet B!) and it is ours to protect.
In Judaism we speak of Tikkun Olam, repairing the world, and that has never been more needed, literally, than right now.
So, I encourage you to keep the meaning of Passover relevant and relay it into action. In this e-blast there are several petitions you can sign, if you wish. If not that, then find the version of tikkun olam that works for you.
One thing all of us can do is to think of what we consume and how we consume it. If you are concerned about climate change, one of the most impactful things you can do is to eat less meat. I have been a vegan/vegetarian/pescatarian at different times (currently I eat a little bit of fish when it's sustainable) for the last 25 years.
I don't believe in prosthelytizing about vegetarianism any more than I do about Judaism. Having said that, I know a lot of us are concerned about the planet and want to make a difference. You don't need to be fully vegetarian to make a difference by consuming consciously.
Here is some information and ideas you can try that bring together vegetarianism and Judaism: https://www.jewishveg.org/what-you-can-do
Remember, the point isn't affliction/suffering. I want you to truly and deeply enjoy whatever food you're eating, including matzah. We need to sustain ourselves as we sustain our world.
Have a beautiful end to your Passover and Earth week!
Passover prep
As soon as the beginning of April hits, I often realize that I have not prepared for Passover the way I had meant to. Every year I imagine I will create my own Haggadah (in my case, kid-friendly), clean my whole house in the manner of Marie Kondo, get to the end of my work to-do list, and then fall into the perfect seder-mode, as though some kind of Passover queen.
None of those things happen, usually.
Last year I did successfully create a kid-friendly Haggadah, using a blend of Oraynu’s fabulous Haggadah Roots and Branches (we sell those! You can get a set for your own table!), and the resources on Haggadot.com. This website has assembled sources on all aspects of the Haggadah so you can easily create your own. Yes, most sources are theistic/traditional, but you can edit as you wish. It’s work, but I like that we have a family Haggadah made just for us.
The rest does not happen and is not likely to happen, if I’m being honest. The best I’m going to do on the house cleaning front is making it passable in short spurts (I like the method of putting on fast music and setting a timer for seven minutes) and perhaps a controlled amount of decluttering. My work to-do list will continue to get ever-lengthier, not shorter. I’ll resemble more of a Passover working mom than queen. But all of that is just fine!
I really think that we tend to sweat the small stuff when it comes to Passover prep, and lose sight of the big picture. What is this holiday about? It’s about ending oppression, celebrating freedom, gathering with loved ones, and engaging with a story that has served as the cornerstone of Jewish culture and community. It really doesn’t matter if you haven’t prepared the perfect meal with 8 courses or cleaned each speck of chametz (bread items) or dust from your home.
For me, the big moment of joy last year was hearing my nephew and daughter sing “Ma Nishtana,” the Four Questions, in Hebrew. There is something so powerful about the intergenerational links that celebrating Passover creates. I remember seders from childhood and it’s amazing to see my kids experience their power now.
So, do your prep. Keep your eye on the important stuff. If your home is a little more cluttered or your to-do list a little too long, you can still have a wonderful holiday.
To help you along, I’ve created a Passover prep guide. Check it out here:
https://www.secularsynagogue.com/free-download
Happy Passover prep, everyone!
Race and the Jewish Community
Last year, the Oraynu Congregation (where I serve as rabbi) hosted a series of sessions on social justice issues in the Jewish community. We’ve also been working together on Indigenous reconciliation and solidarity. One of the things I love about our community is our commitment to justice, even when it is hard.
If you’ve been following the news, you know that there have been a lot of discussions about racism within Jewish communities. I wrote about this in relation to the women’s march just last month. And here we are again. I also just returned from a Rabbis Without Borders retreat where our educational focus was racism and Judaism. I spent months going through resources and really expanded my own thinking. I want to share just a few of them with you:
--On recent news about the tweet by Ilhan Omar on AIPAC, a piece by Nylah Burton, a Jew of colour whose perspective I value: https://t.co/LGkoKyDNfJ?amp=1
--From Toronto’s own Tema Smith, on Jews and whiteness / passing: https://www.myjewishlearning.com/jewish-and/on-passing-and-not-trying-to-pass/
--Be’chol Lashon, which provided training at Rabbis Without Borders, and has fantastic resources: http://bechollashon.org/
--Robin DiAngelo, whose book White Fragility I strongly recommend. Check out some of her ideas here: https://youtu.be/DwIx3KQer54
--And last year when I had to cancel an Oraynu program on Jews and white privilege because of snow (must it always snow when we have a program on???) I did it via Facebook Live and you can watch it here: https://www.facebook.com/Oraynu/videos/1591282274287729/
Join me in learning about this important issue and let me know if you have any questions or want to discuss anything in these resources.
Until next week,
Denise
Love and conflict
Today we are celebrating Valentine’s Day. Coincidentally, this year our February 14th falls on the 9th of the Jewish month of Adar. Now, this pairing is perfect because Adar is meant to be a joyful, playful holiday. It’s the holiday of Purim and its mask-wearing merrymaking. It’s also a tricky month, a double month in a Jewish leap year (which this year is!), meaning at the end of Adar we start right back up at the beginning of Adar again. So it’s perfect that we should think of joy and celebration as the theme for the month of Valentine’s Day.
When I think of Valentine’s Day, I think of all kinds of iterations, whether or not one has a romantic partner. It could be a day to celebrate friendship (Galentine’s Day for some!), it could be a day to focus on self-love and how you honour yourself. It’s also a good day to consider the Jewish teaching to “love the stranger” and do good in the world. Let’s think of love really broadly... we need to give and get it.
Although Adar is a joyous, playful, happy month, the 9th of Adar brings in some seriousness. It is said that on this day the houses of Hillel and Shammai, often in disagreement, turned violent against each other. It is a fast day for some observant Jews and a day that reminds us to consider how we manage conflict. Perfect for Valentine’s Day, right? Ok, so what we think of for Valentine’s Day isn’t usually sorting out our conflict but, of course, doing so is necessary for a happy house. So, I have two suggestions for this 9th of Adar/Valentine’s Day:
1) arrange to resolve some issue or conflict in your life
2) make a date that is filled with joy
Sometimes we need a balance of both! Neither the date nor the conflict resolution need be with a partner. To do the work of conflict resolution, we do need to be in a trusting, loving setting. And the work is hard, so we should reward ourselves with something that brings us joy. The conflict can be at work and the date with a friend. The conflict can be with a family member and the date with yourself. Both can be with a partner/spouse, or neither. Up to you.
To help you along, here are some resources from the 9 Adar project which seeks to use Jewish wisdom and sources to help with healthy conflict resolution. There is a lot to explore so here are just a few links to get you started:
From the 9Adar organization, their complete web site, and their resource guide.
From the Jewish learning institution Pardes, some text study, here and here.
After all that hard work, reward yourself with a date (partner, friend, family member, solo, strangers, anyone). Here are some ideas beyond the usual dinner out:
- See an Oscar-nominated film to be able to be in the know during the awards
- Go skating
- Read a book of poetry in a cafe or pub by candlelight
- Make some art (there are many paint night places around to check out)
- Attend a concert/performance
- Play a board game
Wishing you a happy Valentine’s Day, a meaningful 9th of Adar, and a joyful month!
Taking Care of Yourself
Every week Jews around the world mark Shabbat. Maybe you do that at Oraynu services, or with family dinners, or with simply taking time away from your email each week. To me, the practice of Shabbat is one of the wisest in our tradition. Humans have always needed dedicated time to rest, but perhaps never more so than today. We live in a world in which we are “connected” all the time by phone/email, meaning we are always at work, always supposed to be accessible and available, and always “on”. That’s just not sustainable, and there is a lot of research to suggest it is taking a toll on our collective mental health and well-being. Cue Shabbat.
I will admit I don’t take a full day off work every week, but I do set intentions and limits around rest. I also do a Shabbat dinner with my family each week. My heart is so full when my kids help me set up the Shabbat table, sing Shabbat Shalom, and attack a challah as though they have never eaten a meal in their lives. It is a really special time for us. Each Shabbat I try to think about some way to take care of myself; some way to really engage in the practice of recharging.
Lately, I’ve been doing a lot of yoga. If you’re interested, I recommend Yoga with Adriene on YouTube — a free yoga channel which I think does a nice job of blending the mind/body work of yoga. Each year she does a “30 days of yoga in January” series, which I have been doing (along with literally hundreds of thousands of others around the world).
Some days I’m so excited to hit my yoga mat and stretch out. Other days, it’s a real struggle to find the time and the energy. I am aware that sometimes “self-care” can feel like just another thing on the to-do list.
In one of the recent practices (it’s called “Joyful” if you want to check it out), Adriene speaks of the yogic principle of Sukah (not to be confused with a Sukkah, the huts we construct at the fall harvest festival of Sukkot). Sukah means ease. The idea isn’t that things are *easy* but, rather, when you find things challenging, when you are at your “edge,” to try to find ease and grace. Can you meet a challenge with ease? Relax in the posture of tension or difficulty? That’s the work of yoga. That, to me, is also the work of Shabbat.
Rest, true rest, isn’t easy. It’s not like the world stops around us. It’s not like our problems park themselves until Sunday when we’ve recharged enough to meet them. We have to do the hard work of finding the time and energy to take care of ourselves, even and especially when that time and energy are at their most elusive and depleted.
Sometimes people think “self-care” is about bubble baths and mani-pedis. I think self-care is about finding ease in times of tension. It’s about relaxing even when things are hard. It’s about taking time to rest in a world that doesn’t stop. And it’s about making sure that no matter what else is going on, I’m going to make sure I get to watch my kids attack a challah with gusto each week. How do you rest? How do you find ease in difficult moments?
Dialogue Across Difference
Isn't it funny the assumptions we make about each other? At Oraynu's Holocaust Education Week event, historian Max Wallace spoke about how lots of historians have ignored or discounted records from the Orthodox Jewish community. Max said working with these records and the people whose tireless work to end the Holocaust gave him a lot of respect for the orthodox, even though he himself is "the most secular Jew you'll ever meet."
I would say as well at more religious Jews sometimes make assumptions about us and how we do things. Yesterday I spoke in a sociology class at York University. This class looks at contemporary Jewish life and I was there to discuss Secular Humanistic Judaism. Some of the orthodox Jewish students said they had never heard of us and what we do. They said that even though we disagree about many things, they're glad we exist to keep Jews connected to Judaism. It's big of them to say so.
This week I started a conversation on Facebook with Rabbi Isaiah Rothstein, an orthodox rabbi who is also a Jew of color,a man, a millenial, and a person living in New York. There are differences in our identities and approaches. There is also so much common ground! Our first conversation was on race and the Jewish community (it's up on the Rabbi Denise Handlarski facebook page if you want to check it out). Our goal is to show that talking to each other is the best way to dispel myths and assumptions. And that we can care about others, even when there are substantial differences in points of view.
We all certainly tend to hang out in a "bubble" - and social media algorithms ensure that often what we see confirms and reinforces things we have seen and thought before. It's hard to leave that bubble! But the bubble is bad for us, limits us. If we can listen and truly hear people who come from different places and perspectives, we will go a long way in creating a more gentle and peaceful world. One conversation at a time.
Isaiah and I having our conversation. Here’s the link if you want to check it out: https://www.facebook.com/secularsynagogue/videos/3116799218564230/
Ghosts, Goblins and Gemara
It’s almost Halloween, a very important holiday in my house. Fun fact: Charlie and I got engaged on Halloween (and then watched the only scary movie we could find as we were post-cable but pre-Netflix - it was House of Wax starring Paris Hilton. I can’t say I recommend it).
I have always loved the energy and excitement of Halloween. I love how, when you think about it, it’s weird that all these kids dress up, go to homes of people they don’t know, accept candy from those people, stay up late (all no-nos all other times). It’s a holiday for rule-breakers and outliers. It’s perfect for secular Jews who, generally speaking, are up for a little rule-breaking and a little partying.
The other thing that’s neat about Halloween is that it’s a holiday that emerges from other holidays: The Celtic festival of Samhain was incorporated into the Catholic All Saints Day and its All Hallows Eve. There are resonances with Mexico’s Day of the Dead. While this has nothing to do with Judaism, it is similar to how our own holidays evolve over time. Take Chanukah, borrowing from other festivals of light, a historical holiday, then the rabbinic overlaying of a narrative about “miracles,” and the ways the holiday has been shaped by other winter festivals, particularly Christmas. It’s not a process unique to Judaism, but it is a pretty foundational practice in Judaism, to reinterpret things to make them relevant for the day.
The Gemara is the Talmudic rabbinic commentary on the Mishnah, which is the oral commentary/law coming from Torah. It’s text on text on text. Like Halloween, new meanings are layered on to create a compendium, confluence, convergence, of ideas and practices.
Halloween is ghosts and goblins meet Gemara; how we make it work for us now, where and who we are. So, while Halloween is not a specifically Jewish holiday, we can enjoy it through a Jewish lens. Make whatever traditions you have (even if that’s watching a terrible Paris Hilton movie), your own.
Until next week,
Denise
