It’s hard. Do it anyway.

Do you ever notice that it's rare that we actually feel like doing things that we know are good for us? Some days I'm just itching to go for that run but more often than not I have to make myself do it, even though I know I'll feel great after! Same with cooking healthy meals.... ordering in is just so appealing after a long day. And same with study, with the discipline of playing an instrument or meditating, almost anything that actually adds meaning and depth to life is less preferable in any given moment to watching a movie with one's feet up.
 
Jewish practice is sort of like that too. Some people crave study and discussion about Torah and Talmud, following rules around eating or using devices on Shabbat, but most people, and especially  secular Jews, tend to bristle at the thought that someone else is telling them what to do. Most of us think we don't like rules.

But there is a lot of research that tells us that following rules actually makes us happier. If we spend all our time doing "whatever we want" (and whatever we want is usually watching trash and eating junk), we actually don't feel that great.
This month I'm working on finding a balance between the things I want to do (watch reality TV while texting with my girlfriends) and things I will want to have done (reading good literature and meditating regularly). We are in a stressful time and I think allowing for some indulging makes sense. But I don't want to slide into full Bacchanalian mode either. 
 
Are there Jewish things that you might not completely want to do but might, later on, wish you had done? Can you list a few right now and commit to getting started with one small step? 

I thought I would hate baking challah but forced myself to do it (thanks Chef Michelle, a congregant, for the yeast!) and it turns out I love it! I never particularly feel like studying Talmud but I like the intellectual engagement and insight into early rabbis when I do. If that's you then I invite you to download the recipe, or join a Talmud study group online, or buy that set of candlesticks, or order that book you've been wanting to read. 

This month, let's find the balance between what we want to do and what we want to have done. Sometimes it feels hard to get going but it's almost always worth it once we do. 

PS If you really want to make progress on some goals then it helps to have accountability. I always offer to be an accountabilibuddy for Secular Synagogue members, and you also get a whole team behind you to cheer you on! Every time someone says they want to do/achieve something, others jump on it. Torah/Talmud study! Mussar (character development)! Mitzvahs! Books to read! You get to do it with others and it makes it much more doable and fun. We are accepting new members just until Friday. Don’t miss out!

Join us! Click right here to learn more and sign up!

I made that challah! With my hands! By myself! I’ve never felt so accomplished!

Going on a “chametz” hunt! (AKA let’s get our sh*t together this Passover)

As we prepare for Passover which starts tomorrow evening, we might be thinking about how to make the holiday meaningful this year, when we can't do the typical seders with our families that we may be used to. 
 
One way is to join a virtual seder (there are enough options for one each day — or you can check out the one Secular Synagogue ran and follow along!)! Another may be to focus on the themes of oppression and freedom, the purpose of Passover, and how you can work for freedom this year. Some of us are doing a #donatethedifference tzedakah (charitable) donation. The idea is to take the money we may have spent on hosting big dinners or purchasing host gifts etc and donate that money to a worthy cause instead. 
 
Another opportunity our current reality provides is doing a different kind of "clean out". Many Jews search their homes high and low for "chametz" - bread/unkosher food. Even the smallest crumb must be burnt. My house is not fully kosherized for Passover (my husband, who isn't Jewish and loves sandwiches at least as much as he loves me, wouldn't be on board). 
 
The "chametz" I want to clear out this year is anything that isn't serving me as I adjust to this new reality. I am taking the opportunity to purge documents or work files I don't need, etc. Some do a full spring cleaning around Passover and now that most of us are at home a lot more, it's a great time to Marie Kondo your living space and get rid of stuff that doesn't "spark joy." 
 
Some of us are also cleaning out our social media feeds. You can "unfollow" or mute  people who are posting news from untrustworthy sources, who are fear-mongering, or who are for any other reason not helping you at this time. I cleaned out my social media feed of stuff that tends to stress me out -- even news/media sources. I consciously check the news once a day instead so that it isn't overwhelming. The truth is, social media can be an incredible connector, especially now. I realize there are problems with Facebook, Zoom, and the rest — stealing our data and exposing us to weird ads. But we can control a lot of what we see and put out there via social media. Make it a “space” that you are proud of and that serves you.
 
Finally, take this time to clean out your own thoughts via journalling, meditation, talking, or simply breathing. If you have been stressed out, anxious, overwhelmed, that is all normal and ok. It is also possible to start to try and feel a bit better. Focus on the present, on what you can control, and on what you have to be grateful for. Sometimes the cleaning out we really need to do is of our own negative thoughts.  As we head into this Passover, ask yourself: what is no longer serving me? What can I let go of? 
 
I wish you a beautiful and meaningful Passover! 

Until next time, 
Rabbi Denise

PS: I was recently on this beautiful radio show Tapestry, speaking about how to make Passover meaningful now. If you want to give it a listen, it’s the second half of this episode: https://www.cbc.ca/radio/tapestry/soundtrack-for-the-soul-featuring-hawksley-workman-diy-digital-passover-seder-1.5519104

PPS: Secular Synagogue is still welcoming new members for this cohort but our doors close soon. Get in touch if you’d like to learn more!

When you’re supporting someone who is grieving

Recently several people in my community reached out to me because they had lost someone close to them. In all of these cases, funnily enough, they were not one of the principal mourners, but were supporting those who were. It got me thinking about how many of us end up in this role, and sometimes often. We have resources, Jewish and otherwise, to help people in mourning. How do we support those supporting them?

This question also got me thinking about how we'd define someone in mourning in the first place. All of these people are grieving too but/and feel they shouldn't be the centre of the grief. Not wishing their grief to eclipse that of the person they are supporting, they might conceal or even try to suppress their own grief. 

These questions got me thinking further about what we mean by grief in the first place. It's not just mourning someone after a recent death. Many of us are grieving in different ways for extended periods of time.

I love this piece "Everyone Around You is Grieving; Go Easy".  We never know the burden someone near us is carrying.  For those supporting someone who is mourning or grieving I suggest the following:
 
-Make time and space to listen
 
-Avoid trying to "make it better" (particularly for Humanists it is awfully irksome when someone offers "they're in a better place" or "everything happens for a reason")
 
-Take care of practicalities: cook the meal, handle the arrangements, do the dishes, watch the children 
 
-Simply ask what the person/people need for support (this could include watching bad movies, making a photo collection, telling stories about the person who died).
 
For all of us, at any time, let's remember that there are people around us who are grieving and we don't/can't know! So here are my tips for us all:
 
-Be kind as much as possible
 
-Be patient whenever possible (Handlarski is working on this one!)
 
-Handle it. You know when there's something blocking the road or a mess to be cleaned up and we wonder who will deal with it? That person can be us
 
-Leave good reviews/feedback and, in particular, name the staff person who was helpful
 
-Periodically offer your community via social media, email, phone calls, or letters, the opportunity to connect. Let people know they can reach out to you if they need a friendly ear
 
-When you know someone needs a little help, provide it. 

We can all be the soft place for someone to land. We all need those soft places sometimes too. The more we all give it, the more we all can get it. If you’re supporting others, make sure you also take time to get the care you need.
 
If you are grieving or hurting, you can reach out to me. I'm happy to listen!

Global climate strike, Judaism, and YOU

I am feeling powerfully inspired by Greta Thunberg and the work she is doing around climate change. Her journey started with her skipping school every Friday to demand climate action from politicians. When she was challenged and told she should be in school, she would reply that school was meant to prepare her for a future that is now uncertain due to climate change. So if the grown ups aren’t going to do their jobs, why should she do hers?
 
She’s right.
 
You know who the grown ups are? Us. We are the grown ups. And we have to do something right now. The truth is that there is very little we as individuals can do to halt climate change (my goals are eliminating single-use plastics and moving to a plant-based diet — some of the best things we can do as individuals). The change needs to come from industry (and the governments that regulate industry), particularly around fossil fuels. But we as individuals can put pressure on those industries and governments. We can stand with Greta and say that we can’t continue on with business as usual.
 
Some folks have asked me why this is an issue for a rabbi to take on at all. Well, several reasons. Firstly, my Judaism is connected with my belief that we are here to make the world better. Judaism enhances my life/our lives and, in turn, we are empowered to bring more goodness to the world. These values are rooted in Jewish texts and teachings. It’s the whole “why” of Judaism, as far as I’m concerned. Secondly, the reason I affiliate myself with secular/cultural Judaism is that I am a believer in science and evidence. A lot of the climate change deniers are affiliated with the Christian Right. If one believes the world was created by a god in six days, six thousand years ago, then it’s not a surprise that they also believe that god can fix said world or that whatever happens to it is god’s will. But those beliefs are, well, wrong. Where religion comes up against our best science I’m going to choose science every time. That also is part of my Judaism. 
 
And so, my fellow grown ups, I want to know what you are doing to ensure a future for our kids and grandkids. Here is a place to start. On September 27th there will be rallies and marches for climate justice all over. I’ll be at the one in Toronto, marching with Shoresh (check out Shoresh.ca for awesome Jewish environmentalist initiatives). I’d really love company. Please hit reply right now and tell me you’re coming with me. If you’re not in Toronto, I’d love to know where you’ll be marching? 
 
On September 27th let’s show the world that this is not business as usual.
 
Oh, and this is right before the Jewish New Year of Rosh Hashanah. Am I usually frantically busy at that time? I sure am. Am I making time for this? You bet. I can’t think of a better commitment at the time of year when we contemplate rebirth than doing my part to protect the planet. 
 
See you on the 27th!

Till next week,
Denise

It’s a really really good month to have a good month

I was so lucky to be part of the last cohort of Rabbis Without Borders. Oraynu, my Toronto congregation, supported me in attending three retreats where I met rabbinic colleagues across all movements/denominations, learned about leadership, and got to educate others about the Humanistic Jewish approach. 

You may have seen on social media that I befriended a really cool Orthodox rabbi named Isaiah. For a while he and I were chevruta (study buddies). We come from pretty different Jewish worlds and yet forged a real friendship and connection, each learning from the other and delighting in the common ground that united us. 

Isaiah taught me a lot, but one of the most important things was a song to welcome the new month. It goes: “It’s a really really good month to have a good month, Chodesh tov, Have a good Month.” Repeat. Every month it gets in my head as the Jewish lunar calendar flips to a new month. I’m writing this on the first day of the new month (you see it a few days later), and so I want to share the song with you and wish you a really really good month: https://www.denisehandlarski.com/video

The song, like lots in Jewish text and culture, is deceptively simple. If it’s a really, really good month to have a good month, then it’s always a good time to have a good time. And, really, time is our most precious resource while we get to hang out on this wacky and wonderful planet. 

I love that in Jewish practice we welcome the new month. It’s like a mini Rosh Hashanah (Jewish new year). We get to check in, see how we are doing with our goals of who we want to be and what we want to do And, as the song reminds us, we can decide to have a good month. 

Yes, the world is rife with problems. Yes, lots of us have personal struggles. Yes, there is tragedy everywhere we look. But, there is also beauty. There are also people working on the problems. And we also have a voice and a choice to decide that every month, every day, we are going to be and do our best. It’s a really really good month to have a good month! 

This month my theme is social responsibility. I am choosing a few companies that I support and asking them to do a little better. The first is writing to some coffee places I frequent (looking at you, Starbucks), and asking them to make reusable ceramic mugs the default and charging a little bit for disposable ones. How often do you see people sitting in coffee shops drinking out of throw-away cups? Why?! One of my own personal goals is to never use disposable coffee cups. I lug a mug or I sit in the place and drink my drink. Sometimes I end up downing a double espresso really fast when on the run. That’s one less cup in landfill; one less bit of waxy paper/plastic in the world that will outlast me and all of us (no, those cups are not recyclable and no, most of the compostable ones never really get to compost). Want to join me? If you write to a coffee shop or another company of your choosing and ask them to do a little better, I’ll send you a virtual high five and a shout out on my social media page. 

It’s a really really good month to have a good month - and make the world a little better while we’re at it. 

A Time to Dance

If you come to my congregation’s High Holiday services, you know that bit of Ecclesiastes: A time to be born, a time to die...

One of the rarely thought about lines from that passage is “a time to dance.” I have been thinking about dancing a lot lately. I go to a dance class many Wednesday mornings. It’s a real mix of abilities, ages, body types, genders, and more. I love seeing this group each week, strutting their stuff to fun music. The goal is not to become talented or put on a show. The goal is to be in the moment, be in our bodies, and have fun.

I read recently that dancing is one of the best forms of exercise because it really forges a mind/body connection; our brains have to concentrate on the steps. It also tends to be easier on the joints than other activities. Most of all, it’s fun and when we do what is fun for us we stick with it.

Of course, dancing is more than fitness. It’s about culture — most cultures have a form of dance that is traditional, often done in groups. Jewish peoples may do Israeli dance, or Eastern European dances set to Klezmer music, or dances more local to Sepharad, incorporating Spanish style. Sometimes at Oraynu events we do folk dancing. It is a beautiful community-building activity. Dancing is, at heart, an expression of joy.

The most common place I get to dance is at weddings. It is a mitzvah (good deed) to dance at a wedding, for it is a way of publicly celebrating the couple, and showing one’s support. It is also a way to increase joy and, at a wedding — as in life generally — the more joy we can spread around the better we make ourselves and others feel.

This past weekend my kids were away with their dad and so I took the opportunity to go dancing with some friends. It was such a nice feeling of release and joy. I want that for all of you!

Here’s my challenge: can you find a place to go dancing in the next month? A folk dance class, a studio, a gym, a wedding, something else? Even and especially those with mobility challenges deserve to find a place that makes dancing accessible for them. Email me if you need ideas. And here’s a rabbi secret of mine: when I’m working from home I often pop on a dancing video to break up the time sitting. I recommend the Fitness Marshall — very silly and fun. Don’t worry about getting the steps right, just move.

Here’s to increasing joy, fitness, movement, and connecting with culture! A time to dance!

The Fitness Marshall is on YouTube. It’s my break while writing blogs and books :)