Jewish responses to the loneliness epidemic

I have two important professional roles: a professor (researcher/teacher) and a rabbi. Lately while wearing both hats I have been coming up against a huge issue: the loneliness epidemic. It is impacting students, teachers, and community members.

I am intersted in how religion and culture can help address isolation. In my own role as rabbi I have tried to foster meaningful connections between people in an international, intersectional, and intergenerational frame. I think Judaism offers powerful technologies to help aid loneliness. If you’re like me and you want to learn more about that from researchers and people doing innovative Jewish work come to this event:

​https://www.eventbrite.com/e/gathering-jewish-responses-to-the-loneliness-epidemic-registration-328417534687​

In person or by zoom. We’d love to gather with you! Registration is free. Capacity is limited.
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Hope to see you!

This event is made possible by the Social Sciences and Humanities Research Council of Canada

Be by yourself and get quiet; Be in community and get loud

Note: I update this blog occasionally but you can find always my most recent blog posts at secularsynagogue.com

If you're like me, and I bet you are, the events of the world are taking their toll on you. I have spent the past few days feeling generally unwell. Not sick enough to feel like I need to medicate or particularly treat anything, but not well enough to work and show up the way I like. You could say I'm experiencing a form of "dis-ease."

A few months ago I saw this tweet and found myself howling with laughter. In case you don't get the joke, it refers to the book The Body Keeps the Score, about how our body hangs onto trauma. Yep, it's in my body. It's in yours too. And the past couple of years have left their mark on all of us. It's why the tweet is so funny -- if only we could just ask our bodies to release some of this stuff without doing all the work that release demands (therapy, bodywork, breathwork, and community work -- more on that below).

We are in a shmita/ sabbatical year. The literal meaning of shmita is "release," (as in, release debts). I have been trying to take the lessons of shmita seriously - work less, rest more, release what needs releasing.

One of the things bugging me in my body lately is some sharp foot pain. I have been doing a thing called "dry needling" which some friends swear by and which is, yes, under-evaluated from a scientific perspective. It's like acupuncture but way more painful :) This week when I was getting stabbed in the foot, I cried a little. Was it pain? Was it something emotional being released? Yes. Yes.

Why am I sharing this? A lot of people who are like me Jewishly and politically -- secular/cultural, belief in science, belief in the here and now -- might be wary of things like "trauma in the body" and unproven acupuncture techniques. Is the placebo effect real? Sure is (and I'd love to get me some of that for my foot, please). Can trauma be measured? Nope. But the mind/body connection is often undervalued in our Jewish spaces and it doesn't matter whether we believe in it, the body demands to be heard.

I recently attended the Embodied Social Justice Summit, where people gather to speak about communal responses to trauma. Our pain is not just individual pain, but collective pain. Self-care can only take us so far. It can't help us through intergenerational trauma, systemic racism/sexism/homophobia/antisemtiism, structural inequality, a gig economy that forces us to work until we are (and when we are!) sick etc etc etc. We need communal solutions to these problems.

In Judaism, we have a lot of wisdom to draw on to meet our challenges and the challenges of the world. Things like shmita, or Shabbat - reminders to slow down. Things like the need for a group of 10 in order to pray (minyan), a group to mourn with (shiva), community to do social justice work with (tzedakah/ tikkun olam), and beyond.

I shared with the Secular Synagogue community Friday that I wasn't well and got a flood of caring messages which really served to buoy my spirit. I sometimes worry as a leader that I am letting people down if I can't do my usual work. But I am starting to learn that the opposite may be true: some of the best things I can do to be a good leader is to model rest and slowing down. Some of the best things we can do for ourselves as well as each other is to show up for each other, even in small ways like messages of caring. I'm still not feeling well, but having a team helps me feel better -- about my own current state of unwellness and the overall unwellness all around us now (pandemic, war, greed, hate, etc etc etc).

I am thinking of how we explode the supposed divisions between body and mind, between self-care and community-care, and between self/other, me/you. It's all connected; we are all connected.

After that dry needling when I cried a little, I happened to run into a friend, a Kohenet, who asked me how I was doing. Again, I cried a little.

There is so much needing release. There is so much in our body. There is so much need for connection with each other.

I have no particular wisdom or answers about Ukraine, or how we move ahead equitably in Covid, or how we tackle climate change, or how we make people understand the hate and harm behind "don't say gay" laws, etc etc etc. I feel like I'm usually good with words but right now I'm fairly speechless. Maybe you're feeling the same way? So I have two invitations for you/us that are seemingly in contradiction, but I believe are both necessary and mutually supporting:

1) Be by yourself and get quiet. We are needing to let our bodies tell us what they need. Where does it hurt? What needs release? How? For me, movement, yoga, and nature are how I foster that release. What is it for you?

2) Be in community and get loud. It is the mission of Secular Synagogue that we foster "two-directional goodness" via Judaism; Judaism helps enrich our lives so that we can better the world. We need to foster our own well-being so that we can promote collective well-being. The problems I mention above can't be solved individually. I can't recycle my way out of climate change or isolate my way out of a pandemic. We need to work together and show up for each other meaningfully.

Wishing all of us wellness and wholeness ❤️

Race and Judaism

As I write this, we are mourning the deaths of George Floyd, killed by a white police officer while saying, now familiarly, “I can’t breathe” and Regis Korchinski-Paquet who fell from a 24th floor balcony while police were present. Details are still being investigated. There is also the story of Christian Cooper, who was birdwatching in Central Park and, upon asking a white woman to leash her dog, was threatened; she called 911 to report being harassed by “an African American man.” 

Now there are demonstrations, increased threats of violence, and credible reports of white supremacist groups attempting to fan the flames of violence and hate. Very scary times. 

All of this is only a week or so after the Jewish media and community wrestled with some of our own racism. 

Articles in eJewishPhilanthropy and the Forward spread hurt and misinformation by downplaying statistics (and, by implication, the importance) of Jews of colour. 

I don’t want to share those pieces but I do want to amplify the voices of Jews of colour on that issue. Check out this one by Yoshi Silverstein: 
https://ejewishphilanthropy.com/jews-of-color-deserve-teshuva/ and this one by Tema Smith: https://forward.com/opinion/446872/jews-of-color-deserve-an-accurate-count/

In response to the population discussion, and now again in response to police brutality and murder, I find myself arguing with and trying to educate people about how and why the Jewish community needs to stand up against this. 

If you are outraged by the fact that no one cared when it was Jews being slaughtered in the streets...

If you are saddened by our legacy of exile, discrimination, hate...

If you are moved by teachings about justice and repairing the world in Judaism...

You should be doing something now.

I know, it is overwhelming, what is there to do? For white Jews, we have a responsibility to stand up and speak out now. For Jews of colour, it is not my place to say how you should respond. Take care of yourself the way you need to now. It is up to me and other people with racial privilege and power to do this work. 

Here are some ideas for action:

1) Read the voices of people of colour and talk about their ideas with those in your circle. I suggest Between the World and Me by Ta-Nehisi Coates, Me and White Supremacy by Layla F Saad, and White Fragility by Robin DiAngelo if you don’t know where to start. 

2) Watch this video about Jews and white privilege (I recorded this for Oraynu a few years ago when we were snowed out of an event):  https://www.facebook.com/Oraynu/videos/1591282274287729/

3) Support organizations like Black Lives Matter, the Southern Poverty Law Center, the ACLU/CCLA, and any other, especially if it is an organization run by Black/Indigenous folks doing anti-racist work

4) Have those hard conversations. Don’t submit to “white silence.” Call out racism and keep holding your loved ones to account. We can all do better. 

5) Amplify and share the words of people of colour through your social media, book clubs, publications, letters to the editor, anywhere. We each have a small but importance sphere of influence. Let’s use it. 

My heart is broken. There is just so much pain in the world right now. I believe Judaism is a path to spiritual wellness, and those who are well are less likely to hurt others, so connect with text, community, ritual, practice, rest on Shabbat, joy on holidays, and the rest of it, all while making sure we don’t lose sight of the ultimate goal: Judaism is here to enrich our lives with a view to making us instruments of justice. Let’s get loud. 

Shavu-what?

The holiday many have never heard of is getting a lot of play this year! Shavuot is this week — a harvest holiday originally, early rabbis tried to figure out a way to keep it relevant in the period of rabbinic Judaism. Many people will tell you that the holiday celebrates the anniversary of the giving of the Torah at Mt. Sinai. The truth is that rabbis overlaid that story onto a holiday that already existed (sort of like talking about the “miracle of oil” on the historical holiday of Hanukkah). The holiday changed once again when Kabbalists (Jewish mystics) came up with a tradition to honour the receiving of Torah by studying all night long. We call that the Tikkun Leil Shavuot. 
 
And here we are in a new age — the internet age. And the pandemic has made the need for adapting programs for the internet all too urgent. So there are many (many many) Tikkun Leil Shavuot programs online this year so you can get your learn on. Some of these are a few hours, some all night, some as long as two days! 
 
Oraynu already sponsors the one at the MNJCC. My program this year will be on intermarriage. I also submitted something for the “Torah rap battle” which you can get if you sign up for the at-home learning program (by the way, I am very ego-drivenly invested in having the best rap). That stuff is all here.
 
The Society for Humanistic Judaism is also hosting a program with rabbis/leaders from our movement! I can’t wait to hear from these smart people! And if you tune in to the kid story hour you’ll see a cameo from my kids: Register here .
 
Also check out programming from JewishLive (Facebook), At The Well (register for their online programs via their site), and many more. 
 
If every holiday takes new signifIcance each new age, our age of the internet (and this moment of Covid-19) means Shavuot is getting big this year. So let it. Let’s lean into the learning together, while apart. 

The Miles Nadal JCC comes up with the best visuals for stuff - the rap battles will be over YouTube and at-home learning materials will be sent out to those registered. Join the fun!

Poetry and/as prayer

 I don’t consider myself someone who prays. The language of prayer never did much for me with its patriarchy and relentless repeating of praising a God in whom/which I did not believe. But ever since I was a child, I always valued poetry. 
 
Poetry ticks a lot of the boxes for me that prayer ticks for others. I love the sacredness of special language in which each word is special and resonant. I love the rhythm and repetition. I love the imagery. I love the evocation of emotion. 
 
It’s nice that in the age of Instagram poetry is making a bit of a resurgence, with poets like Rupi Kaur creating a stir and causing many many youngsters to fall in love with the written (and spoken) word. 
 
There are some new-to-me poets I just love, and delight in having discovered recently (check out the poet Maya Stein who sends by email a new ten-line poem every Tuesday). 
 
And then there are the poets whose work I keep coming back to, again and again, always with a new resonance for the time and space we are in. Poets like Adrienne Rich, WB Yeats, Olive Senior, Raymond Carver, Mary Oliver. 
 
Many of you might know Mary Oliver, and many might know her famous poem “Wild Geese.” I returned to it recently and, oh, does it ever seem extra poignant given our current circumstances. 
 
It isn’t a prayer (or is it?) but it feels like one to me. And I’m grateful for these words and for my returning to them. I offer them to you, now: 
 
You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting -
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.            

Mary Oliver
Wild Geese

Until next week,
Denise

It’s hard. Do it anyway.

Do you ever notice that it's rare that we actually feel like doing things that we know are good for us? Some days I'm just itching to go for that run but more often than not I have to make myself do it, even though I know I'll feel great after! Same with cooking healthy meals.... ordering in is just so appealing after a long day. And same with study, with the discipline of playing an instrument or meditating, almost anything that actually adds meaning and depth to life is less preferable in any given moment to watching a movie with one's feet up.
 
Jewish practice is sort of like that too. Some people crave study and discussion about Torah and Talmud, following rules around eating or using devices on Shabbat, but most people, and especially  secular Jews, tend to bristle at the thought that someone else is telling them what to do. Most of us think we don't like rules.

But there is a lot of research that tells us that following rules actually makes us happier. If we spend all our time doing "whatever we want" (and whatever we want is usually watching trash and eating junk), we actually don't feel that great.
This month I'm working on finding a balance between the things I want to do (watch reality TV while texting with my girlfriends) and things I will want to have done (reading good literature and meditating regularly). We are in a stressful time and I think allowing for some indulging makes sense. But I don't want to slide into full Bacchanalian mode either. 
 
Are there Jewish things that you might not completely want to do but might, later on, wish you had done? Can you list a few right now and commit to getting started with one small step? 

I thought I would hate baking challah but forced myself to do it (thanks Chef Michelle, a congregant, for the yeast!) and it turns out I love it! I never particularly feel like studying Talmud but I like the intellectual engagement and insight into early rabbis when I do. If that's you then I invite you to download the recipe, or join a Talmud study group online, or buy that set of candlesticks, or order that book you've been wanting to read. 

This month, let's find the balance between what we want to do and what we want to have done. Sometimes it feels hard to get going but it's almost always worth it once we do. 

PS If you really want to make progress on some goals then it helps to have accountability. I always offer to be an accountabilibuddy for Secular Synagogue members, and you also get a whole team behind you to cheer you on! Every time someone says they want to do/achieve something, others jump on it. Torah/Talmud study! Mussar (character development)! Mitzvahs! Books to read! You get to do it with others and it makes it much more doable and fun. We are accepting new members just until Friday. Don’t miss out!

Join us! Click right here to learn more and sign up!

I made that challah! With my hands! By myself! I’ve never felt so accomplished!

Don’t Just Do Something! Sit there!

I write these messages each Friday as part of my prep for Shabbat. I can close out the week knowing next week is prepared and I have had a chance to collect some thoughts and reflect on the week that has passed. As I reflect on this past week, all I can really think about is that it was exhausting. 
 
My kids are really starting to need more stimulation and are bouncing off the walls. My partner and I are both trying to work from home. Sitting and staring at zoom when I am used to being in the room with others is grating. And, honestly, I feel over it. 
 
I was part of a workshop this week in which we spoke about how people tend to rush to solve problems but don’t take the time to really understand the problem, which just leads to frustration and more work. 
 
Someone said that their motto is: “Don’t just do something. Sit there!” And I realized that this was advice I could use. 
 
Especially right now, I think a lot of us just need to get comfortable with doing less, even doing nothing. 
 
The problems we are collectively trying to solve are really big but, for most of us, we have some extra time to sit with them. That time is a gift! I am thinking of health care providers who are doing so much with so little time to reflect or recharge. So I’m taking my time today. I don’t have solutions to my problems, our problems, but I’m going to sit still a while and try to really wrap my head around them as my starting point. 
 
Inviting you to sit still a while and see what comes from it.

Small good things

This is not an easy time. We miss our families and friends. We miss walking down the street and easily passing by people without worry. We miss restaurants and coffee shops. Still, now that we are a month or so into this, there might be some things that are starting to emerge that bring joy or pleasure. There might even be some good, happy-making things about this time. That doesn’t cancel the worry or the sadness. It isn’t polyannaish to acknowledge that, while we wouldn’t choose this situation, there are some good things about it. 
 
I am a big fan of Firefly Creative Writing (find them at https://fireflycreativewriting.com) and often find myself doing their writing prompts or assignments (from various classes or their mail subscription packages) in a similar way that I approach Jewish practices. They create a container for me to connect with the feelings, ideas, stories that mean something to me. They also create a container for me to have fun with ritual and sacred time and space. I light candles. I clear the space. I settle in. 
 
Right now they are doing special Covid-19 programming and this little activity is directly taken from one of those (it is very very Jewish to borrow and cite and then make it one’s own). 
 
If you feel like it, clear a space and light a candle (could be Shabbat candles). Then make a list of all the small good things that you have experienced or noticed since social distancing began. What smells, sights, signs of spring? What tastes, experiences, conversations, activities? What do you hope you’ll continue doing after this time ends? What feels good? 
 
When I did this, I wrote about how the communal act of banging on pots and pans at 7:30 pm in support of healthcare workers has moved me to tears. It is like we are a big minyan (referring to the traditional group of at least ten one needs to pray). We mourn, we celebrate, we reflect. We do it at the same time each day, like a prayer service. It marks that another day has passed, that we remind ourselves to be grateful and focus on the big picture, and that we are doing this alone, but together. 
 
What sacred, religious-like, or cultural/communal experiences have you felt during this time? No one wants this to last long. But there are things about it that I hope do last far into the future.

Until next week,

Rabbi Denise

These spring flowers poking up from a spring snowfall are a small good thing I saw on a walk recently

Counting Time

Happy Passover once again! Does it still feel like Passover? This eight day holiday can feel brief, especially for those who only mark seders at the start and then go back to business as usual. For those who abstain from bread products it may still seem different, a time set apart. What is certain is that for many of us all days are now stringing together. It is hard to tell a Tuesday from a Sunday when at home all the time. 

For this reason, I think now is particularly important time to draw on Jewish wisdom around marking time. Firstly, if you don't have a regular Shabbat practice, this would be a great time to experiment with one! Light candles, make a nice meal, reflect on a moment you're grateful for from the week that has passed. It is a great way to end a week and, right now, it's nice to simply note that another week has passed. 
 
We also have a Jewish tradition of counting the omer. This is related to wheat production and the spring harvest but also helps us keep time between Passover and the Jewish holiday of Shavuot. There are seven weeks between them and we count each day, with special rules and prohibitions during this time for observant Jews. 
 
In Jewish mysticism, Kabbalah, there are certain spiritual meanings assigned to the days and weeks, and so some people will count time with those intentions (e.g. the day I write this is the day of Gavurah (strength) in the week of Chesed (love). So today, consider how you bring strength and love together in your personal relatoinships). 

One can find apps, websites, and other online discussions about the counting of the omer. I like the one from At The Well: https://www.atthewellproject.com/ (note: this is not strictly secular -- take it or leave it). 
 
I don't have a typical kabbalistic practice, and not all of the intentions behind the meanings of each day resonate with me. But I sure do like our traditions about marking the passage of time in meaningful ways. I think now is a great time to play with time: how do you honour and note the movement of time. Does it feel slower? Are you implementing or creating new rituals (a Saturday "date night" to get dressed up even if you aren't leaving the house? An online Tuesday "beer night" with friends via Zoom?)? 
 
We are certainly in a strange time, all of us. Wishing you all the best as we move through it together. 

Until next week,
Denise

Going on a “chametz” hunt! (AKA let’s get our sh*t together this Passover)

As we prepare for Passover which starts tomorrow evening, we might be thinking about how to make the holiday meaningful this year, when we can't do the typical seders with our families that we may be used to. 
 
One way is to join a virtual seder (there are enough options for one each day — or you can check out the one Secular Synagogue ran and follow along!)! Another may be to focus on the themes of oppression and freedom, the purpose of Passover, and how you can work for freedom this year. Some of us are doing a #donatethedifference tzedakah (charitable) donation. The idea is to take the money we may have spent on hosting big dinners or purchasing host gifts etc and donate that money to a worthy cause instead. 
 
Another opportunity our current reality provides is doing a different kind of "clean out". Many Jews search their homes high and low for "chametz" - bread/unkosher food. Even the smallest crumb must be burnt. My house is not fully kosherized for Passover (my husband, who isn't Jewish and loves sandwiches at least as much as he loves me, wouldn't be on board). 
 
The "chametz" I want to clear out this year is anything that isn't serving me as I adjust to this new reality. I am taking the opportunity to purge documents or work files I don't need, etc. Some do a full spring cleaning around Passover and now that most of us are at home a lot more, it's a great time to Marie Kondo your living space and get rid of stuff that doesn't "spark joy." 
 
Some of us are also cleaning out our social media feeds. You can "unfollow" or mute  people who are posting news from untrustworthy sources, who are fear-mongering, or who are for any other reason not helping you at this time. I cleaned out my social media feed of stuff that tends to stress me out -- even news/media sources. I consciously check the news once a day instead so that it isn't overwhelming. The truth is, social media can be an incredible connector, especially now. I realize there are problems with Facebook, Zoom, and the rest — stealing our data and exposing us to weird ads. But we can control a lot of what we see and put out there via social media. Make it a “space” that you are proud of and that serves you.
 
Finally, take this time to clean out your own thoughts via journalling, meditation, talking, or simply breathing. If you have been stressed out, anxious, overwhelmed, that is all normal and ok. It is also possible to start to try and feel a bit better. Focus on the present, on what you can control, and on what you have to be grateful for. Sometimes the cleaning out we really need to do is of our own negative thoughts.  As we head into this Passover, ask yourself: what is no longer serving me? What can I let go of? 
 
I wish you a beautiful and meaningful Passover! 

Until next time, 
Rabbi Denise

PS: I was recently on this beautiful radio show Tapestry, speaking about how to make Passover meaningful now. If you want to give it a listen, it’s the second half of this episode: https://www.cbc.ca/radio/tapestry/soundtrack-for-the-soul-featuring-hawksley-workman-diy-digital-passover-seder-1.5519104

PPS: Secular Synagogue is still welcoming new members for this cohort but our doors close soon. Get in touch if you’d like to learn more!

Passover Prep - Digital Seders, recipes, Intermarried/intercultural family ideas and Freedom

Passover Prep Round Up:

There is a lot here but feel free to skim and enjoy. Take what you like, leave what you don’t! I want you to have a great Passover! Here are some resources…

A greeting from me, if you want, and my cheesy telling of the Passover story - in rhyme!

I recorded this for my congregation but feel others should get to experience my rhyme that tells the Exodus story that I wrote in rabbinical school. Is this embarrassing a little? Yes. But I’m sending it to make you smile. Feel free to play me during your seder if you want a quick and easy Maggid (story)!

https://zoom.us/rec/share/_O50BenX539OX5H20V3CR6oeL7jHaaa8hyIZ8vNbyBpF0aPMzReqsfOK82YfFMTN

Digital Seder Ideas:

As the rabbi of a virtual secular synagogue, this actually WAS like other years in terms of how we do our seder. Our online format is a really special way to get people dippin’ the parsley and sippin’ the wine all across the world in real time. We had folks from Eastern and Western Canada, around the US, Germany, the UK, and South Africa! Here are my tips:

1) Go big on creating meaning, not trying to recreate the experience you’re used to.

It won’t be the same. But it might be better! Or at least meaningful in a new way! I recommend:

• co-create a Haggadah with people (see below for resources) or pick one that fits your values

• go around and speak about what you love about Passover and what resonates with you the most

• make sure you make time for a check-in and genuine connection with the people there. It’s not all about the content, it’s about the connection.

2) Make it fun!

Here’s how I do a digital Afikomen hunt (the part where you search for matzah). I “hide” it somewhere in the world (this year I randomly chose the Eiffel Tower) and people have 20 yes/no questions to find it. It’s fun! And gets the job done.

3) Eat yummy food

I went big and ordered a full catered dinner for my little family of 4. I want the food to be special and memorable and, yes, traditional. And i don’t want to cook it myself. Maybe you love cooking - so do that! But don’t skimp on the good stuff just because 97 people aren’t coming over. Give yourself the pleasure of cooking or eating the foods you love — just you or the people you live with.

There’s more great advice out there! I personally like the stuff from Hey Alma: https://www.heyalma.com/how-to-host-a-virtual-passover-seder/ and Haggadot.com: https://www.haggadot.com/blog/the-art-of-virtual-gathering-passover-2020

Intermarriage/Intercultural families:

My book! Why not read it now? It has tips for celebrations such as Passover:

https://utorontopress.com/ca/the-a-x2013-z-of-intermarriage-2

My blog on Passover and Intermarriage:

https://www.denisehandlarski.com/blog/2019/4/9/intermarriedintercultural-mixing-it-up-this-passover?fbclid=IwAR28hOP7bZyE7ZUHjFEsPUTPTX0SwL6CQe4jsDFIScn3qkHfdn4dbXRegu0

Jewbelong resources (including Ruth’s Mix for Intercultural/intermarried families):

https://www.jewbelong.com/holidays/passover/

18Doors also has great stuff on intermarriage/intercultural famlies:

https://18doors.org/tag/passover/

Haggadot:

A couple Haggadah options to check out:

https://www.tabletmag.com/podcasts/unorthodox/the-official-unorthodox-haggadah-free-download

https://www.kveller.com/theres-now-a-marvelous-mrs-maisel-maxwell-house-haggadah/?fbclid=IwAR11LiSh4X5QG0xDQaeXCL6AIg1VFUPS1WyJSI77mfVXrBRXzZDwUpTRNaQ

DIY a Haggadah via Haggadot.com (do a search for “secular” and great stuff comes up! The one by Haggadot itself has some clips from me and others in the Secular Humanistic Jewish movement!  ):

https://www.haggadot.com/?fbclid=IwAR3oSSgwfxCUMRdodPyEblmt9ncOpMJXdD2iAM3t5k-ID0J2tsAIgMMCSE8

Nosh:

Recipe ideas:

https://www.delish.com/cooking/recipe-ideas/g4062/passover-recipes/

Warning: This is the best thing ever and self-control, particularly while in self-isolation, is not possible:

https://www.epicurious.com/recipes/food/views/my-trademark-most-requested-absolutely-magnificent-caramel-matzoh-crunch-109117?fbclid=IwAR2_uoJEH78ZtABCXE242hxQM442LzIMC6knx-N1gJuqY8-Sa6kHYA8pGuM

Tikkun Olam (Repairing the World):

As sad as it is to think about, there are many people who are enslaved today. This Passover I encourage us to consider the issue of Human Trafficking. There is much we can learn about this issue and things we can do – even while we are at home! Check out these great resources:

This one has ideas for how to make a truly meaningful Passover!

https://www.freetheslaves.net/take-action/faith-in-action-ending-slavery/

I always love the work of T’ruah: Rabbis for Human Rights:

https://www.truah.org/campaign/slavery-and-trafficking/

Join a coalition:

https://www.ncjwsf.org/jceht/

Learn and do more:

https://www.rabbinicalassembly.org/tzedek-justice/slavery-and-human-trafficking

Sending out big love for a great Passover! If you want to check out the replay of the Secular Synagogue seder to follow along to then send me a message. We’re still taking new members and would love to have you!

Rabbi Denise

How To Do Jewish During A Pandemic

We are certainly in strange and difficult times. We are all adjusting (and then readjusting) to shifting realities. There is fear, anxiety, loneliness, and boredom. I hope there are also moments of joy, connection, hope, fulfillment, rest. For some of us (hi working parents!) we are figuring out how to juggle and fit everything in. For other,s we are figuring out how to meaningfully fill our time.

So here are some suggestions, broken into two categories: Busy Bees vs Hermit Crabs (you figure out which is more you):

Busy Bees: 

Slowwwww Downnnnn.

I am a busy bee so I know how hard this is. But it seems like we have no choice now but to stop for a while. Are there at-home projects you’ve been waiting to do? Are there people you can connect with by phone or online instead of your usual coffee dates? Can you make more time for rest, napping, writing, meditating, whatever will make you feel good and not like you are under house arrest? 

Hermit Crabs:

Don’t let this be an excuse to hermit your way through spring! If you are someone who often is alone, I’m going to suggest that you explore new ways to connect during this time. Find someone who will teach you how to use Facebook and jump into some great groups (see below). I’ll be leading coffee dates and other programs by Zoom. Zoom is an online platform that’s really easy to use from any computer or smart phone. If this is something that sounds intimidating to you, use this as an opportunity to get comfortable with new technologies. 

Everyone: 

Don’t forget to take care of yourselves and each other!

Remember Jewish teachings: Tradition, Torah, Tikkun Olam

Tradition: this might be a great time to build a Shabbat practice. I have been playing with tech Shabbats (no screens) and really liking it. Our newsfeeds are overwhelming these days. Take a break! Light some candles! Maybe bake a challah?

Torah: It doesn’t have to be literal Torah but think of Torah broadly as learning. Are there books you’d like to read? Explore museums that have virtual tours. Or peruse sites like My Jewish Learning and Jewish Live. There is so much we can do when we suddenly are at home with time on our hands. 

Tikkun Olam: Repairing the World

The people who will be hit hardest by Covid-19 are the already vulnerable and marginalized. People who are immunocompromised, the poor/homeless, those without adequate healthcare. Even consider all the kids relying on breakfast programs who may go hungry these next few weeks or months. As people are stockpiling toilet paper, don’t forget to give to food banks, check on your elderly neighbours, and look out for opportunities to practice good deeds (mitzvot). Consider offering to help folks with tasks like putting the garbage out (while maintaining social distancing). And continue to advocate for sound health and other policies while at home. 

Take care of yourselves! Eat healthy foods that will boost your immunity, get outside as you can (you can have social distance and go for a short walk or sit in a backyard/on a balcony), make sure you are connecting with others — by phone or online, and don’t forget to rest and sleep. Maybe we’ll emerge from this crisis a well-rested bunch! And, of course, wash your hands... all the time... 

If anyone is struggling, sad, or anxious, please reach out to me by email or phone. I’m around, like everyone else!

DIY Feminist Passover Seder

Join me for the DIY Feminist Seder Webinar!!

We are in weird times, my friends. I hope you are keeping well in the thick of it all. A lot of us have been thinking of Passover and what it may look like coming up, given gatherings are cancelled and a lot of us and our relatives may need to stay home to stay safe.

A lot of us this year are going to have to DIY it.

While this sucks in some ways, it is good in others... we get to choose how we will run our seder. For years I’ve been part of a feminist seder with friends that fills me with joy and delight. I also really like the creativity that comes with creating or incorporating rituals that are new to us.

So I am very very excited about this webinar! I’ll show you how to do seder prep even if you are new to this (maybe you’ll be DIY-ing your very first seder ever, I got you!).

✅ No fancy Jewish education or Hebrew-proficiency required.

I’ll also show you how to bring in special traditions that honour the women of the Passover story and the women in our lives.

✅ There are opportunities for queer and genderqueer inclusions as well.

Let’s take the “Freedom” part of the seder literally. There’s no freedom without feminism (intersectional, mindful, heart-centered feminism).

As some of you know, I am a Jewish Doula. I wanted to become a doula when I was in the middle of trying to give birth, it wasn’t going well, and I started searching my phone for Jewish birth ritual. Not the moment for a deep dive into research, Denise! But I realized that even as a feminist and a rabbi, no one had ever taught me about the Jewish women’s histories and rituals around birth.

Let’s think about the Passover story for a second... it starts with midwives who are heroes and a birth. The words “deliver us” featured prominently. There is a watery passageway to deliverance, out of which a people is born.

The Passover story is a birth story! Or it could be read that way... depending on your lens. I, for one, am sick of the lens being the one handed down through the generations by the Maxwell House Haggadah. We have the tools to do better, even if we are new to Judaism, Jew-“ish”, Jewish adjacent (partnered with a Jewish person), etc.

Look, I know you’ll be home March 24th at 7:30 ET. Might as well webinar with me for free :)

Click right here to register

Stay safe and healthy!

Rabbi Denise

PS: If you are really into someone else doing the DIY, you can always join Secular Synagogue’s online community. A membership before March 27th gets you access to our Digital community seder that last year was a real highlight of the year. Digital seders might just be the 2020 way forward... might as well join the smartest, kindest folks on the internet to see how they do it! Join the community here.

Purim and the work of finding joy

In the Jewish month of Adar we are supposed to seek and find joy. This is connected to the holiday of Purim (which is today! Happy Purim!) — a topsy turvy carnival of mask-wearing and merry-making. The whole month is an opportunity to consider how we bring joy into our lives. 
 
Every month in the Secular Synagogue online community we have a monthly theme to focus on. This month’s theme is joy. One member (who is amazing at following the monthly theme!) planned several activities that would bring her joy: day trips, adventures, meeting with friends. And then she got quite sick. She was concerned about exposure to the Coronavirus and is trying to manage both the unpleasantness of feeling ill, pressure to both come in to and stay home from work, and the feeling of unease (so connected to dis-ease) that is the natural result of our global concern over all things germy right now. She had to cancel all of those joyful activities she had planned. 
 
Look, there is no getting around it. Sometimes life is not a picnic and it is hard to find joy. That is *exactly* when it is critical we find it. I asked this lovely person (and our whole group) to consider that the “work” of finding joy (anything worthwhile is work, even joy) is to find it even when things overall are not that joyous and great. I encouraged her to find a sense of joy in time to watch a film, snuggle with a blanket, the taste of tea, the sound of a loved one’s voice. I said that the real test of being able to find joy is to find it when it’s hard. 
 
In my book on Intermarriage the publisher chose the tag line “more joy, less oy” which was taken from the pages about how we have been told marriage/relationships, family discussions and disputes, life in general might or will be filled with tsouris (sorrow). But even difficult conversations and relationships can offer opportunities for joy. When I work with couples and families around intermarriage, if there is a tough decision to be made or conversation to be had I ask them: “how can we make this more fun? How can we bring more joy into it?” When people feel good they come to resolutions sooner. 
 
So, this month of Adar, how can we make life a little more fun? How can we let go of some “oy” and lean into some “joy”? Even when things are imperfect or difficult. Let’s work to find the fun this month!

Story and Slavery

We are seven weeks away from Passover which may seem like a long time but, in rabbinic time, is not long at all. I always think about this holiday and its significance for where we are now. The Passover seder is statistically one of the most practiced Jewish experiences of the year by people around the world. It is often the earliest memory for Jews of their Jewish experiences. And it’s often cited as the most meaningful holiday for people. The Exodus story — the biblical account and the retelling of the story in all kinds of ways (once we did a Star Wars themed version) — is the central story of Jewish culture.
 
Also, it isn’t true.
 
What does it mean that we tell and retell, and revere, and symbolize, and act out parts of a story that, archaeology tells us, did not happen? 
 
Why and how did this story become so important in the first place? There are many answers but one that I find compelling is that the story was designed to create a sense of peoplehood; a narrative about what we have overcome together and, in the overcoming, formed a community and a nation. 
 
Years ago at the HuJews teen conclave, a get together of teens from across the Humanistic Jewish movement, a wise youngster said “it doesn’t matter if the story is true. The fact that Jews make meaning from it makes it real.” I think about that line a lot. I care about the truth. My whole Jewish practice is based on saying words I believe in, not parroting words I disagree with. And, yet, I love Passover and the telling of the Exodus story. It isn’t true, but it’s “real.” 
 
One of the reasons it is real is that we decide how we want it to inform our behaviour. Often Jews think of “slavery” and “freedom” as themes that guide our action. This was true when my Toronto Congregation sponsored our beloved family from Syria. We continue to support the family, trying to bring their sister and her family to Canada too. For that, we will mark a special International Refugee Shabbat in March. And in April, when Passover comes, I’ll be speaking with you about a modern-day slavery most of us would prefer to ignore.
 
This week I am attending a rabbinic training on human trafficking. Some say that there are more people enslaved today in the sex trade than in any other slave trade in history. It is a global crisis and is happening under our very noses. We can’t turn away anymore.
 
My Passover prep this year is to spend the next several weeks learning about this issue and figuring out how we can help. I hope you’ll join me. I promise to keep you in the loop! This might be the last you think of Passover for a while but, always, let’s be on the look out for justice, and try promote more freedom for more people. 
 

Unplug

It’s almost Mar 6-7 which is the Jewish organization Reboot’s “National Day of Unplugging.” You can download the pledge, access resource material, and even get some swag here:  https://www.nationaldayofunplugging.com/
 
The goal is to use Shabbat to remind ourselves that we can be the masters of our technology and not the other way around. Writer and filmmaker Tiffany Shlain wrote a book about how she did the day of unplugging once and now has a weekly screen-free Shabbat that, although she is pretty secular, she is religious about! https://www.simonandschuster.com/books/24-6/Tiffany-Shlain/9781982116866
 
I do this challenge every year and I really like it. One year I went to a yurt! Another year I was in the Caribbean! This year I will be at home and parenting alone. Will it be a challenge to avoid giving into the call of the Paw Patrol? It will. Will it be worth it? Almost certainly! 
 
A friend just read another book on cutting down the use of tech: https://www.calnewport.com/books/digital-minimalism/ and said it has changed her life. She started playing violin! She is taking Italian language lessons! She has read many, many books whereas before she felt she didn’t have time. And she said her anxiety has decreased substantially.
 
Do you run your tech or does your tech run you? What could you free up if you spent a little less time with your device? More time with people you care about? More projects? More fun? 

One of the Secular Synagogue members has been encouraging us all to get mindful about tech. He led a great workshop on it and out of that I created some rules for myself:
 
- No phones at the table, when I’m with friends, when I’m with my kids
- No screens the first or last 30 minutes of my day
- All app notifications off
- My phone is always set to silent
- No sleeping near my phone

Does it strike you as ironic or strange that my online community is spending a lot of time/energy thinking about going screen-free? Part of why I started Secular Synagogue is because I wanted my feed to be full of things that were actually inspiring and GOOD for me to see. I know social media can be the worst of the worst but it can also bring people together. The key is to take what you need and leave the rest. To be mindful and purposeful about usage. So, I say, use the screens for what you enjoy and then put them away. Especially on March 6-7.
 
I don’t always get it all perfect but I’ve been doing pretty well. How about you? What are your tech rules? And can you go a full 24 hours? Let me know! 
 

On Compassion

Did you know that the word for compassion in Hebrew (rachamim) is rooted in the word womb (rechem)? This is not to say that women are more naturally compassionate, but some Jewish thinkers suggest that when we show our compassion and mercy (the word is used for both), we are giving birth to goodness in the world. 
 
This month I took an online course on Radical Compassion with scholars like Tara Brach (meditation/compassion researcher), Kristen Neff (self-compassion work), Jon Kabat-Zinn (Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction - MBSR), and others. One of the themes that came up again and again was how we need to find compassion for ourselves in order to find compassion for others and, if we are serious about compassion, that compassion has to extend to those with whom we disagree. . 
 
One of the speakers was Krista Tippett from the podcast On Being (which I love and recommend!). She spoke about how we are now engaged in a kind of political trench warfare. We are dug in, stuck, no way to reach the other side. 
 
Pursuing the difficult work of self-compassion I tried to look at things I’ve done that I’m not proud of and forgive myself (the sort of teshuvah work we do at the Jewish High Holidays). I also tried to think of and connect with people with whom I disagree to see if we could find some common ground. Is this easy? No! I hate it! :) But is it important? Yes. 

Another really difficult challenge is sending compassion out to people who do bad things. We may not like their choices or behaviour, but it helps to try and seek out their motivation and, despite feeling angry or hurt, connect with their humanity.
 

I did a little Shabbat Live video on Jewish connections to compassion (click here to see it) and then a funny thing happened: someone created a fake email for me to try to swindle some of my congregants out of money as part of a large-scale scam (you can read more about that one here). I did not love that experience. But what an opportunity to practice radical compassion! I tried to imagine why someone might do this. I tried to tap into the hurt of those who were scammed and send them positive thoughts. This was a terrible thing but/and it’s also wonderful to think about the fact that the reason this scam worked was that so many Jewish people take seriously our ideals around charity/giving/justice. They respond when a rabbi wants to help others. How nice! And the people in charge of the scam? I can’t believe they are really happy and healthy individuals. Only hurt people hurt people. So I sent them some positive thoughts too.

We all wish to be understood. We all could do with a little more compassion. There are many Jewish teachings about compassion but I’m choosing to focus on the root (literally) of the word. What could we birth in ourselves if we showed ourselves more compassion? What could we birth in the world if we gave more compassion to others? 

This was my beloved bicycle and someone stole the back tire. When I went back to retrieve it the whole thing had been stripped down to almost nothing. Sending compassion to the bike thieves as well as all those who have had their beloved bikes/bike parts stolen!

The beautiful brain!

This week at Trent University I got to see a 3D printed model of the human brain based on MRI data. As Humanistic Jews we don’t talk much about awe but if there is anything to feel awe-inspired about it’s the fact that we are controlled by this body part that is part computer, part map, part meat, and handles everything from our intellect to our emotions to our body movements. It’s quite astonishing. Lately I have been delving into research about our brain and how we can intentionally change it. Not only can we “change our minds” about things, we can literally rewire/mould the shape of the brain in a physical way. This happens in a few ways:
 
1) We can learn. When we learn something new, we create new synapses that leave a physical imprint on the brain. Synapses connect to each other (like when we make connections between new learning and stuff we knew previously). 
 
2) We can build parts of the brain that may be underdeveloped. Just like we can build muscle mass by exercising certain body parts, we can change the shape of our brains by doing cognitive and emotional work that stimulates areas of the brain we may not tap into most often. If you are someone who is quick to anger, jealousy, or fear, you might have an overstimulated limbic part of the brain. But there are other parts of the brain that control those emotions and offer comfort. When we practice mindfulness, compassion (including self-compassion), and conscious breathing, we actually change the shape of the brain, increasing the areas that provide calm. 
 
3) We can better forge a connection between brain and body. There is one part of the brain that actually stores something like a map of our whole body, knowing (usually unconsciously) what’s going on everywhere inside us. When we ask ourselves “How am I feeling?” or “What does my body need right now?” or “Where in my body am I feeling this emotion?”, we can forge a better pathway between brain and body. We can do this in other ways too. If you are exercising mindlessly you won’t get the same result as if you concentrate on the area you’re working consciously. We can practice making a better brain/body connection. 
 
I am pretty new into this research but it is really working for me. As I get over my resistance to things like meditation, stillness, and mindfulness (I, like many of you, like to be busy!), I find I am more calm, feel more balanced, and can be even more productive! As I get older (I just turned 40!) I want to make sure I am keeping both my brain and body healthy. Let’s celebrate our big, beautiful, brilliant brains!

When you’re supporting someone who is grieving

Recently several people in my community reached out to me because they had lost someone close to them. In all of these cases, funnily enough, they were not one of the principal mourners, but were supporting those who were. It got me thinking about how many of us end up in this role, and sometimes often. We have resources, Jewish and otherwise, to help people in mourning. How do we support those supporting them?

This question also got me thinking about how we'd define someone in mourning in the first place. All of these people are grieving too but/and feel they shouldn't be the centre of the grief. Not wishing their grief to eclipse that of the person they are supporting, they might conceal or even try to suppress their own grief. 

These questions got me thinking further about what we mean by grief in the first place. It's not just mourning someone after a recent death. Many of us are grieving in different ways for extended periods of time.

I love this piece "Everyone Around You is Grieving; Go Easy".  We never know the burden someone near us is carrying.  For those supporting someone who is mourning or grieving I suggest the following:
 
-Make time and space to listen
 
-Avoid trying to "make it better" (particularly for Humanists it is awfully irksome when someone offers "they're in a better place" or "everything happens for a reason")
 
-Take care of practicalities: cook the meal, handle the arrangements, do the dishes, watch the children 
 
-Simply ask what the person/people need for support (this could include watching bad movies, making a photo collection, telling stories about the person who died).
 
For all of us, at any time, let's remember that there are people around us who are grieving and we don't/can't know! So here are my tips for us all:
 
-Be kind as much as possible
 
-Be patient whenever possible (Handlarski is working on this one!)
 
-Handle it. You know when there's something blocking the road or a mess to be cleaned up and we wonder who will deal with it? That person can be us
 
-Leave good reviews/feedback and, in particular, name the staff person who was helpful
 
-Periodically offer your community via social media, email, phone calls, or letters, the opportunity to connect. Let people know they can reach out to you if they need a friendly ear
 
-When you know someone needs a little help, provide it. 

We can all be the soft place for someone to land. We all need those soft places sometimes too. The more we all give it, the more we all can get it. If you’re supporting others, make sure you also take time to get the care you need.
 
If you are grieving or hurting, you can reach out to me. I'm happy to listen!

The antidote to hopelessness is action

When my daughter was six months old, and I had just competed leading High Holiday services, exhausted, and my partner was on parental leave, available, we spent a month driving around a very small camper van in Australia and New Zealand.
 
One of the places I fell in love with was the Australian Blue Mountains. The landscape was so striking and it’s the place we did our first hikes with our little bundle in a carrier. At night we opened the tent of our van and stared up at a starry night sky.
 
Now that place is on fire and we have no idea if it can/will ever recover.
 
I wanted to frame my discussion of the Australian wild fires / climate change with this personal memory because we are hard-wired to care more if we have a personal connection to something. The scale of the fires is so huge that we can forget or find it hard to take in the scale of the loss.
 
There is a lot of research about how we are more likely to protect nature if we foster a relationship with nature. I’ve written before about how we can and should get outside (David Suzuki’s 30 x 30 challenge in May, for example).
 
My Toronto community is going to do a special “Green Shabbat” program, focusing on how we can incorporate more plant-based foods into our diet and the impact that can have. We are also approaching the Jewish Holiday of Tu B’shvat, the new year of the trees, which also reminds us that one of the ways we connect to nature is by eating it! Also, that the Jewish tradition including text, holidays, law, and rituals around food reinforce our connection to nature and how we need to work to preserve and protect it.
 
Eating more plant-based meals is one of the best things we can do to help combat climate change. And getting together in community for cooking and eating, including the sensory experiences of singing together, kneading challah, and tasting delicious food, all of that is good for our well-being and, yes, our resilience. If you aren’t in Toronto, I wonder whether you might consider hosting a vegetarian Shabbat meal. Get together with friends and family to cook, and eat, and celebrate, and then - you know, casually - discuss the climate crisis. There are many things we can do, including voting, advocating, and reminding everyone that this is something that affects all of us and we are in this fight for the long haul. Yes, it’s about what you eat and buy. But it’s about much more than that. I love this piece from the New York Times called How to Stop Freaking Out and Tackle Climate Change that pretty much sums it up.
 
These are tough times and, especially as the climate crisis worsens, we need to train our resilience. We need to lean into community. We need to foster a commitment to action for, truly, it is the only antidote to hopelessness.
 
If we come together as our small communities to do something as simple as make a meal, enjoy plant-based cooking, take time to rest and rejuvenate at the end of the week, we remind ourselves that we can come together to do bigger and much needed actions that will combat climate change.
 
I don’t know how we are going to fix the problems that have led to a world on fire, but I know for sure that in order to fix it we will need resilience, community, and action.
 

Photo from the New York Times