As I write this, we are mourning the deaths of George Floyd, killed by a white police officer while saying, now familiarly, “I can’t breathe” and Regis Korchinski-Paquet who fell from a 24th floor balcony while police were present. Details are still being investigated. There is also the story of Christian Cooper, who was birdwatching in Central Park and, upon asking a white woman to leash her dog, was threatened; she called 911 to report being harassed by “an African American man.”
Now there are demonstrations, increased threats of violence, and credible reports of white supremacist groups attempting to fan the flames of violence and hate. Very scary times.
All of this is only a week or so after the Jewish media and community wrestled with some of our own racism.
Articles in eJewishPhilanthropy and the Forward spread hurt and misinformation by downplaying statistics (and, by implication, the importance) of Jews of colour.
I don’t want to share those pieces but I do want to amplify the voices of Jews of colour on that issue. Check out this one by Yoshi Silverstein:
https://ejewishphilanthropy.com/jews-of-color-deserve-teshuva/ and this one by Tema Smith: https://forward.com/opinion/446872/jews-of-color-deserve-an-accurate-count/
In response to the population discussion, and now again in response to police brutality and murder, I find myself arguing with and trying to educate people about how and why the Jewish community needs to stand up against this.
If you are outraged by the fact that no one cared when it was Jews being slaughtered in the streets...
If you are saddened by our legacy of exile, discrimination, hate...
If you are moved by teachings about justice and repairing the world in Judaism...
You should be doing something now.
I know, it is overwhelming, what is there to do? For white Jews, we have a responsibility to stand up and speak out now. For Jews of colour, it is not my place to say how you should respond. Take care of yourself the way you need to now. It is up to me and other people with racial privilege and power to do this work.
Here are some ideas for action:
1) Read the voices of people of colour and talk about their ideas with those in your circle. I suggest Between the World and Me by Ta-Nehisi Coates, Me and White Supremacy by Layla F Saad, and White Fragility by Robin DiAngelo if you don’t know where to start.
2) Watch this video about Jews and white privilege (I recorded this for Oraynu a few years ago when we were snowed out of an event): https://www.facebook.com/Oraynu/videos/1591282274287729/
3) Support organizations like Black Lives Matter, the Southern Poverty Law Center, the ACLU/CCLA, and any other, especially if it is an organization run by Black/Indigenous folks doing anti-racist work
4) Have those hard conversations. Don’t submit to “white silence.” Call out racism and keep holding your loved ones to account. We can all do better.
5) Amplify and share the words of people of colour through your social media, book clubs, publications, letters to the editor, anywhere. We each have a small but importance sphere of influence. Let’s use it.
My heart is broken. There is just so much pain in the world right now. I believe Judaism is a path to spiritual wellness, and those who are well are less likely to hurt others, so connect with text, community, ritual, practice, rest on Shabbat, joy on holidays, and the rest of it, all while making sure we don’t lose sight of the ultimate goal: Judaism is here to enrich our lives with a view to making us instruments of justice. Let’s get loud.
It’s hard. Do it anyway.
Do you ever notice that it's rare that we actually feel like doing things that we know are good for us? Some days I'm just itching to go for that run but more often than not I have to make myself do it, even though I know I'll feel great after! Same with cooking healthy meals.... ordering in is just so appealing after a long day. And same with study, with the discipline of playing an instrument or meditating, almost anything that actually adds meaning and depth to life is less preferable in any given moment to watching a movie with one's feet up.
Jewish practice is sort of like that too. Some people crave study and discussion about Torah and Talmud, following rules around eating or using devices on Shabbat, but most people, and especially secular Jews, tend to bristle at the thought that someone else is telling them what to do. Most of us think we don't like rules.
But there is a lot of research that tells us that following rules actually makes us happier. If we spend all our time doing "whatever we want" (and whatever we want is usually watching trash and eating junk), we actually don't feel that great.
This month I'm working on finding a balance between the things I want to do (watch reality TV while texting with my girlfriends) and things I will want to have done (reading good literature and meditating regularly). We are in a stressful time and I think allowing for some indulging makes sense. But I don't want to slide into full Bacchanalian mode either.
Are there Jewish things that you might not completely want to do but might, later on, wish you had done? Can you list a few right now and commit to getting started with one small step?
I thought I would hate baking challah but forced myself to do it (thanks Chef Michelle, a congregant, for the yeast!) and it turns out I love it! I never particularly feel like studying Talmud but I like the intellectual engagement and insight into early rabbis when I do. If that's you then I invite you to download the recipe, or join a Talmud study group online, or buy that set of candlesticks, or order that book you've been wanting to read.
This month, let's find the balance between what we want to do and what we want to have done. Sometimes it feels hard to get going but it's almost always worth it once we do.
PS If you really want to make progress on some goals then it helps to have accountability. I always offer to be an accountabilibuddy for Secular Synagogue members, and you also get a whole team behind you to cheer you on! Every time someone says they want to do/achieve something, others jump on it. Torah/Talmud study! Mussar (character development)! Mitzvahs! Books to read! You get to do it with others and it makes it much more doable and fun. We are accepting new members just until Friday. Don’t miss out!
Join us! Click right here to learn more and sign up!
I made that challah! With my hands! By myself! I’ve never felt so accomplished!
Unplug
It’s almost Mar 6-7 which is the Jewish organization Reboot’s “National Day of Unplugging.” You can download the pledge, access resource material, and even get some swag here: https://www.nationaldayofunplugging.com/
The goal is to use Shabbat to remind ourselves that we can be the masters of our technology and not the other way around. Writer and filmmaker Tiffany Shlain wrote a book about how she did the day of unplugging once and now has a weekly screen-free Shabbat that, although she is pretty secular, she is religious about! https://www.simonandschuster.com/books/24-6/Tiffany-Shlain/9781982116866
I do this challenge every year and I really like it. One year I went to a yurt! Another year I was in the Caribbean! This year I will be at home and parenting alone. Will it be a challenge to avoid giving into the call of the Paw Patrol? It will. Will it be worth it? Almost certainly!
A friend just read another book on cutting down the use of tech: https://www.calnewport.com/books/digital-minimalism/ and said it has changed her life. She started playing violin! She is taking Italian language lessons! She has read many, many books whereas before she felt she didn’t have time. And she said her anxiety has decreased substantially.
Do you run your tech or does your tech run you? What could you free up if you spent a little less time with your device? More time with people you care about? More projects? More fun?
One of the Secular Synagogue members has been encouraging us all to get mindful about tech. He led a great workshop on it and out of that I created some rules for myself:
- No phones at the table, when I’m with friends, when I’m with my kids
- No screens the first or last 30 minutes of my day
- All app notifications off
- My phone is always set to silent
- No sleeping near my phone
Does it strike you as ironic or strange that my online community is spending a lot of time/energy thinking about going screen-free? Part of why I started Secular Synagogue is because I wanted my feed to be full of things that were actually inspiring and GOOD for me to see. I know social media can be the worst of the worst but it can also bring people together. The key is to take what you need and leave the rest. To be mindful and purposeful about usage. So, I say, use the screens for what you enjoy and then put them away. Especially on March 6-7.
I don’t always get it all perfect but I’ve been doing pretty well. How about you? What are your tech rules? And can you go a full 24 hours? Let me know!
How to avoid a lot of stupid bullshit this holiday season
I love the holidays! I really do! I realize the title of this blog post is a little Scroogey. So, for the record, I love the smell of latkes frying and pine trees in groves and homes. I love twinkling lights and menorah lights. I love all of it. But, let’s be real, there’s a lot of stupid bullshit this time of year. Some of the bullshit is out of our control. People will complain about the “war on Christmas.” Some member of the extended family will say something racist. Kids are going to be overtired and oversugared and behave like demons. There’s gonna be some bullshit. But some of the bullshit is under our control and we can do our very best to make our holiday bashes BS-free. So, here is your Secular Synagogue Guide to BS avoidance.
First, let’s separate BS into categories: people, places, and things. Some of these are inter-related but for the purposes of detecting and demolishing bullshit it’s helpful to create a sorting system.
People: Can you avoid the really harmful or toxic people? Does your awful Great Uncle really deserve the pity invite this year? If so, can you extend the pity invite along with some strict ground rules? Can you avoid the obligation-party filled with people you really don’t want to see and shmooze with? Maybe you can get “cough cough” oh so sick that day and then post a sad-looking selfie of you in PJs watching Netflix to prove how very “cough cough” sick you really are. Can you host or attend some events filled with people you really want to see? A “Friendsgiving” type of thing. Every year my friends get together for our very own Chrismukkah and it’s my fave. There’s family and there’s chosen family and you get to decide where you put your time and energy.
Places: Tied in with avoiding the people you don’t want to see is avoiding the places you really don’t want to go. Know where I definitely won’t be between now and February? A mall of any kind. Nope. Not going there. I am spending my money this holiday season supporting local businesses as much as possible (see below) and, when needed, doing some online shopping. I hate the crowds and panic of malls this time of year and I just don’t have to go there. Neither do you. I also don’t want to go to any of the following: photo sessions (Santa-related or otherwise), parades, or public large-scale events. Here’s where I do want to go: the good parties, outdoor skating rinks, my congregation’s events, and Mexico. This year I’m going to Mexico between Christmas and New Years (which is also most of Chanukah). Later, suckas! Just kidding. But you really do get to decide where you want to be.
Things: The very most holiday bullshit comes in the form of stuff. Oh, so much stuff. Y’all, we are drowning in stuff. I’m not talking about people in need here and, if that’s you, I hope you get a lot of great stuff this holiday season that really makes a difference for you. For many of us, though, we don’t really need more stuff. And, yet, this is a stuff-filled time of year. There are financial, ecological, and mental costs to this. Seriously, I think it’s bad for us mentally to feel too crowded by and too attached to things. So here are some ideas I’m using this year and also forever.
Upcycling: I’m attending swaps and getting used stuff when possible
Doing donations in lieu of presents. It feels so good to support agencies and causes I care about. Way better than more stuff!
Asking for experiences over things: art gallery/ museum memberships, tickets to concerts/ plays/ ballet/ opera, restaurant gift certificates, art/ cooking classes
Supporting local business. Local for me isn’t necessarily local for you but one local business close to my heart is Firefly Creative Writing, and they have monthly subscription packages by mail (anywhere in the world!) with writer prompts and writer self-care. A seriously great gift!
Speaking of subscriptions, I want to tell you the cutest gift-giving story ever. When I launched Secular Synagogue a woman (not Jewish, let’s call her C) got her partner (Jewish, let’s call him J) a membership as a gift. He loved it and knew that C would love it too! J knew that even though C isn’t Jewish, so much of what we talk about would resonate with her. So for Christmas he decided to get her a membership. But then, uh oh!, C got herself a membership. Hearing so much great stuff about the group, she wanted in herself. Christmas present ruined! So I happily refunded her membership, let J buy it as a present, and all was well in their Chrismukkah-loving house. The moral of the story? If you want to avoid bullshit people and places and things this season, you can join our community which is filled with the best people, which you connect to from the best place (your place), and which will not add one tiny bit of stuff to your house. I think a membership to a cool online Jewish community makes a completely amazing gift. Doors open Friday!
However you spend your holidays, I hope they are as bullshit-free as possible. Take good care of yourselves and take good care of your people. That’s the only thing that really matters this time of year!
Art by my kid. The best gift ever!
Happy Rosh Hashanah!
We are here! 5780! I hope you are feeling the themes of the holiday: rebirth and renewal. I hope you are also feeling a little bit of responsibility — to make your life better, to make the world better. This is just the beginning of the period known as the “Days of Awe.” I want you to think of them as the Days of Awesome! Say sorry. Forgive. Look inward — what can you let go of? Who do you want to be this year? Look outward — what can you do to contribute? How can you be a changemaker this year?
Last week many folks from both Oraynu and SecularSynagogue.com came out to the march for climate justice! What an awe-inspiring day! We stood together with thousands and thousands of people around the world to demand a better world.
It’s fitting for this time of year. We need a better world. Each new year is an opportunity to consider how we will make it so.
I am spending today in the forest, doing tashlich. Tashlich is the practice of casting away. People tend to think of it as throwing away your “sins,” and that’s fine. But I prefer to translate (and this is kosher) “sin” as “missing the mark.” Where did you miss the mark last year? Cast it away; let it go. And make sure this year we get a little closer to that mark.
You can look up readings (I use Marge Piercy or Marcia Falk poems) and other things to say and do but the most important is to get outside (with friends/family if possible), take a walk, and talk the talk about what you want to let go of and bring forward into the new year. Then you throw your sticks and rocks and leaves (note: breadcrumbs are traditional but not so good ecologically). Watch them float away. Ahhh... Rebirth. Renewal. Responsibility.
You got this.
Can’t wait to be with you through this year as we take our intentions from today and the Days of Awesome and make them so.
Have a happy, healthy, sweet, and beautiful year!
Till next week,
Denise
Forgiveness: It’s Complicated
We are now in the final lead up to the High Holidays. Jews around the world are getting ready for difficult conversations with friends or family, preparing to apologize for wrong-doing and preparing to forgive others. Some Jews are participating in services called selichot — where prayers of repentance are recited. Selichot means forgiveness, although when people speaking Hebrew apologize they often say “slicha” which means something like “pardon me.” Asking for and granting forgiveness are good and healthy acts. We ask people to forgive us all the time... when we step on toes (literally or figuratively), when we cause pain (intentionally or unintentionally), when we do something wrong. We also forgive people all the time. Often when someone says “sorry” the reply is “it’s ok.” And sometimes it really is ok.
But sometimes behaviour is really not ok, and that’s what I want to speak about today.
I was asked recently how to approach the upcoming High Holiday period, with its focus on forgiveness, if someone does not speak to their family because it is unsafe to do so. For some people, their family is unsafe emotionally. For some, they are unsafe physically. Sometimes it’s both. If someone has decided that they simply cannot have contact with a family member or, with or without that contact they simply can’t forgive past wrongs/behaviour, they probably have a damn good reason (what I write here can apply to relationships that aren’t familial too — partners/ex-partners, friends, co-workers, etc).
We live in a culture that is obsessed with forgiveness. We get told that to hold a grudge only harms ourselves and not the person who did wrong. We get told that to forgive will make us feel good, or whole. We get told that life is too short to hold onto hurt. Those ideas may all be true in some circumstances but they can also put a whole lot of pressure on someone who has been hurt, abused, mistreated, or harmed. Sometimes it’s ok not to forgive. Sometimes it’s healthy. We are not responsible for the hurt others cause us.
I do suggest finding ways to process past harm. Therapy, writing a letter to someone who has harmed you (whether you send it or not), self-care, working to undo painful/harmful messages we’ve internalized, all of that is useful. We don’t have to stay in the place of being hurt/harmed. But we also don’t have to include forgiveness in the package of how we prepare to move on. If someone has done something unforgivable, it’s not on you to forgive it. It’s on you to figure out how you want to move forward, with or without that person in your life.
We sometimes hear stories about people who offered forgiveness in unimaginable circumstances. If that helped the person who was wronged, then the act of forgiveness is worth celebrating. Sometimes we really do need to forgive in order to move on. Equally, sometimes we need to let go of the pressure to forgive in order to move on.
I don’t think this time of year is just for apology and forgiveness. It’s for figuring out what we need, who we want to be, and who we want with us on the journey. It’s a time for considering what we owe others in terms of apology/restitution, and what we owe ourselves in terms of healing from the past. I think of the High Holidays as a time to decide what we are letting go of from the past year(s), what we wish to carry forward, and what we wish to start doing/being. Forgiveness is one part of that package and process. So is self-love. Often the person we have to forgive the most is ourselves. So, if you are struggling with any sense of guilt over being unable to forgive someone, I suggest that be one of the things you let go of. Be kind to yourself, especially if others have not been.
We are not responsible for the behaviour of others. We are responsible for ourselves. No one is owed your forgiveness. You owe yourself all the tools you can find to be well and happy this coming year.
Till next week,
Denise
It’s a really really good month to have a good month
I was so lucky to be part of the last cohort of Rabbis Without Borders. Oraynu, my Toronto congregation, supported me in attending three retreats where I met rabbinic colleagues across all movements/denominations, learned about leadership, and got to educate others about the Humanistic Jewish approach.
You may have seen on social media that I befriended a really cool Orthodox rabbi named Isaiah. For a while he and I were chevruta (study buddies). We come from pretty different Jewish worlds and yet forged a real friendship and connection, each learning from the other and delighting in the common ground that united us.
Isaiah taught me a lot, but one of the most important things was a song to welcome the new month. It goes: “It’s a really really good month to have a good month, Chodesh tov, Have a good Month.” Repeat. Every month it gets in my head as the Jewish lunar calendar flips to a new month. I’m writing this on the first day of the new month (you see it a few days later), and so I want to share the song with you and wish you a really really good month: https://www.denisehandlarski.com/video
The song, like lots in Jewish text and culture, is deceptively simple. If it’s a really, really good month to have a good month, then it’s always a good time to have a good time. And, really, time is our most precious resource while we get to hang out on this wacky and wonderful planet.
I love that in Jewish practice we welcome the new month. It’s like a mini Rosh Hashanah (Jewish new year). We get to check in, see how we are doing with our goals of who we want to be and what we want to do And, as the song reminds us, we can decide to have a good month.
Yes, the world is rife with problems. Yes, lots of us have personal struggles. Yes, there is tragedy everywhere we look. But, there is also beauty. There are also people working on the problems. And we also have a voice and a choice to decide that every month, every day, we are going to be and do our best. It’s a really really good month to have a good month!
This month my theme is social responsibility. I am choosing a few companies that I support and asking them to do a little better. The first is writing to some coffee places I frequent (looking at you, Starbucks), and asking them to make reusable ceramic mugs the default and charging a little bit for disposable ones. How often do you see people sitting in coffee shops drinking out of throw-away cups? Why?! One of my own personal goals is to never use disposable coffee cups. I lug a mug or I sit in the place and drink my drink. Sometimes I end up downing a double espresso really fast when on the run. That’s one less cup in landfill; one less bit of waxy paper/plastic in the world that will outlast me and all of us (no, those cups are not recyclable and no, most of the compostable ones never really get to compost). Want to join me? If you write to a coffee shop or another company of your choosing and ask them to do a little better, I’ll send you a virtual high five and a shout out on my social media page.
It’s a really really good month to have a good month - and make the world a little better while we’re at it.
Laughter is the best medicine
Earlier this winter I was feeling particularly burnt out after a demanding semester of teaching and a full calendar. I went on a trip with two girlfriends. We chatted on the flight about what we were most looking forward to on the trip. And I said, “I don’t know when, I don’t know over what, but I know that at some point I’m going to laugh so hard I cry.”
And that’s exactly what happened. Surrounding myself with some good friends, a great beach, and some mojitos was helpful for my rejuvenation. But what those things really did were to set the stage and conditions for what I really needed: a big old belly laugh.
This summer, I can’t promise you one of those laughs that go on and on, force you to tear up, have you double over, make you lose your breath. But I want that for you. After a laugh like that, endorphins are flowing, everything seems more manageable, and we tap into deep joy.
So, what do you need to do to set the conditions to make it more likely that you laugh? Who can you call for a coffee date? Can you invite a good group of fun people to your cottage (or, if you’re like me, snag an invite to someone else’s)? What movie or book might trigger a big laugh?
In an interview with Comedian Jon Stewart I watched recently, he was asked why he thinks comedy is the right tool for political action. He replied that when we are laughing we are not afraid. So many of us are so concerned and, yes, afraid, of the state of things right now. Sometimes our best defence and resistance is to laugh.
So, laugh a lot this summer. We all only have so many summers in this world — we might as well make the most of them.
Children in Concentration Camps
This past week there was some tension in the Jewish community over whether it is appropriate to call U.S. detention centers housing migrants “concentration camps.” There were also horrific news articles about how children are being denied basics like toothbrushes, made to sleep on cold floors, and must represent themselves in court. We are talking about little children - the youngest of which is four months old.
I am ashamed that some in the Jewish community seem more outraged by the use of a term they feel belongs uniquely to the Jewish experience, than about innocent children being taken from their parents and tortured in these ways.
What is a concentration camp? It is a small area in which innocent people are held without due process based on their ethnicity or country of origin. We have to use this term to describe what is happening because there has been too much complacency so far. Let’s start calling things what they are. Concentration camps. Torture. There are going to be round ups of migrants. The repetition of history is happening as we are watching.
I serve many community members who are not in the U.S. But do we as Jews not hold countries besides Germany and Poland accountable for allowing the Holocaust to happen? Do we not wish there had been an international effort to stop it? We need to be that effort. “Never again” is right now.
Here’s what I have done and I encourage you to join me:
- I wrote to my MP, to MP Freeland (who handles foreign affairs and diplomacy), and our Prime Minister asking them to use any possible diplomatic channels to ask for this to end. At the very least, these migrants — children! — deserve basic care and legal representation.
- I have financially supported RAICES, the ACLU, and the Southern Poverty Law Center — all doing good work on the ground.
- I posted about this issue on my professional and personal social media, sounding the alarm and saying that as a Jew I am deeply concerned about where concentration camps and round ups are heading. I want everyone to act.
- I sent a message to my rabbinic colleagues in the Humanistic Jewish movement saying that after our summer meetings in Chicago (already booked), I will no longer travel to the United States. No more vacations or work travel there until this ends. It is time to vote with our dollars and our feet. I will not spend one more dollar in that country while children are being tortured.
It feels like it is not enough but it is a start. Who’s with me? If you can’t do all of these things, what can you do? Let’s show the world that when Jews say “Never Again” we mean for all people.
Denise
#metoo is a Jewish issue
I don’t know about you, but I couldn’t stomach watching or listening to the Kavanaugh hearings. We’ve been down this road too many times: powerful man has been able to outrun his aggressions against women; women who come forward are subject to scrutiny and badgering. It remains far too easy for people (often men) in power to harm people (often women) with less power and get away with it for too long. If you are uncomfortable reading these words, I’m going to invite you to consider why that is. Do you naturally go to a place of “#notallmen” or “innocent until proven guilty”? Of course not all men. Of course people are, legally speaking, innocent until proven guilty. But our tendency as individuals and as a society is to immediately consider the plight of the abuser, not the abused; the harasser, not the harassed. This needs to change.
Here’s another thought exercise. I run this one with high school students quite often:
If you hear someone tell a racist or sexist joke, you have a choice to make: laugh to go along with it, speak up and tell the person that you are offended, say nothing. Most people, frankly, say nothing. Why? Well, some people have had the experience of speaking up. If you say to the joke-teller “that kind of joke is offensive to me. It hurts people to perpetuate those stereotypes or use that language,” what will their response be? We know intuitively that the joke-teller will not say: “So sorry to have caused offense. I apologize. I will consider my own biases that led me to tell such a joke.” Of course that will not be the response. The response is that the person who spoke up gets called names: too sensitive, no sense of humour, a killjoy, and, the f-word, “feminist.”
Notice the dynamic: the joke-teller feels so entitled to tell the joke that someone who objects is in the wrong. And the accusations at the one who objects are hurled by the original joke-teller and, importantly, the bystanders/others all around.
It is not safe to speak out in our world. So much the more so if you are a woman (including and especially trans/non-binary women). Now not only are you subject to the “you’re too sensitive” stuff, but also the sexist stuff: “you were asking for it; you were flirting; a guy can’t say anything without getting accused these days” and a host of other words women and girls get called that I won’t name here.
We KNOW these are the dynamics. Yet we are often still, so powerfully conditioned to think in this way, on the side of the harasser/abuser. In this, the era of #metoo, we have an opportunity to make real change.
Here’s how Judaism is part of the problem and can be part of the solution: One doesn’t have to scratch very far under the surface of our texts and traditions to see that we, as a culture, have condoned violence against women. However, Jewish groups today are mobilizing to use the teachings of our tradition, ideas like “Shalom Bayit” - Peace in the Home, or “Tikkun Olam” - repairing the world, to advocate for the end to harassment, assault, and abuse. This is up to all of us.
Today is Simchat Torah - the day Jews conclude and start anew the reading of the Torah cycle. We start with Genesis, first woman, the first relationship between a man and a woman, and lots more to do with the establishment of patriarchy. Our job is to read old texts with new perspectives and to use them, as well as contemporary articles and thinking, to help make the future fairer.